How Will the Eagles F*ck Up the Draft this Time?

Last season, the Eagles intentionally lost their Week 17 game by way of sitting Jalen Hurts and giving Nate Sudfeld playing time. Sudfeld is so inappropriately bad at football that the national media and fans across the country scolded the Eagles for intentionally losing the game for a better position in the 2021 draft.

Most Eagles fans were lukewarm towards this decision to throw Week 17, but I was furious. I’d rather have a meaningless Week 17 win than better draft position because the Eagles will make the wrong decision no matter where they draft. The Eagles ended the 2020 NFL season with the highly coveted 6th overall pick, but traded it to Miami for the No. 12 overall pick, a 2021 fourth-round pick, and a 2022 first-round pick. (aka more draft picks to fuck up)

Want to predict who the Eagles will draft? Here’s how:

Close your eyes, think deeply about who you do not want the Eagles to pick – and there you have it! That’s the guy! Unfamiliar with the top-prospects? Don’t even worry about it! The Eagles weren’t going to draft any of those guys anyway. Howie Roseman fancies himself a football genius, he likes to draft late-round prospects from obscure football conferences.

Remember when we drafted Carson Wentz and signed him to a huge deal, then drafted Jalen Hurts, thus destroying Wentz’s confidence and wasting the 2020 season? Remember Reagor over Jefferson?

The list of Eagles recent first-round picks is disorienting and upsetting to look at, from most recent to least recent: Jalen Reagor, Andre Dillard, Derek Barnett, Carson Wentz, Nelson Agholor, and Marcus Smith.

So how will the Eagles fuck up this year?

  • They could draft a QB in the first, second, or third round.
  • They could draft a WR similar to Reagor / Jordan Matthews.
  • They could neglect the LB position in the first three rounds.
  • The Eagles could trade out of the first round entirely.
  • They could draft player no one has ever heard of in the first two rounds. (Danny Watkins)
  • They could trade Jalen Hurts for someone in their 30’s.

Expect nothing from the Eagles tonight, they accidentally won a Super Bowl in 2018 & you should be forever grateful.

You want Devonta Smith? You want Jaylen Waddle? You want Jaycee Horn? TOO BAD. You’ll get Trey Lance, QB of North Dakota State and you’ll like it!

With head coach Nick Sriracha or whatever as the weak willed mouth piece for the front office, the ball is entirely in the court of the same idiots who made the Jalen Hurts decision. THE SAME IDIOTS WHO DRAFTED JALEN HURTS & CAUSED A MOUNTAIN OF CONTROVERSY, ONLY TO REFUSE TO NAME HURTS THE STARTER THIS YEAR.

By definition, whoever the Eagles take in the first round will be bad – it’s a curse that no skill player has been able to break free from since Fletcher Cox (2012) and Lane Johnson (2013).

That Second Round though…

Keep your eye out for the second round, the Eagles have a far better track record drafting in the second round. Although taking Jalen Hurts in the 2020 draft was suicidal to the 2020 season, Hurts is a talented and promising player. Look at this talented list of second round picks: Jalen Hurts, Miles Sanders, Dallas Goedert, Zach Ertz, Mychal Kendricks, & Vinny Curry.

Of course there are some duds mixed in there… cough cough… JJ Arcega-Whiteside.

In closing, the NFL Draft is boring as hell. Watch whatever NBA or MLB game is on simultaneously as you watch the draft. Let’s hope the Eagles don’t fuck up!

writer Jason Peters in a Jason Peters jersey, clearly enthused for whatever the Eagles do.

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