Philly Plain Dealer

Editor’s Note:

Hello! Hola! Bonjour! Ciao! Namaste! Konnichiwa! No matter where you are from and what language(s) you speak, welcome on in to Year 13 of my annual Eagles Column. 

We are going to discuss the significance of that aforementioned number in a moment, but first please allow me to properly set the table (The Bear is my favorite show ever, so you’re gonna see a lot of restaurant and cooking references). 

I have a tradition where every summer at or around the time that the Eagles report for training camp, I publish a column. The column got its start being somewhat analytical in nature with the inaugural version in 2014 focusing on Nick Foles’ standing as a franchise quarterback and why he wouldn’t suffer the same fate as others who came before him like Kevin Kolb and Bobby Hoying (I bet you haven’t thought of either of those two names in a long time). 

Beginning a couple years later, we now often take a more metaphorical look at the state of the franchise. The 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022, 2023, 2024, and 2025 columns can all be found at their respective links. 

Now that we handled some housekeeping, let’s discuss the number 13. In historical culture, it’s quite polarizing with some negative connotations going back centuries. In pop culture, it’s been rebranded some with it notably being Taylor Swift’s favorite number.

In Eagles culture — to me at least — it represents Nelson Agholor, who was one of the best players on the field in Super Bowl LII, instrumental — along with of course Foles and others — in defeating a Patriots dynasty at the height of its powers and preventing an eventual three-peat. For the sake of staying on topic and focusing on positives, we will not talk about the more memeable side of Agholor during some less thrilling moments. 

In many religious cultures, 13 represents a rite of passage where an individual is now old enough to take on some adult responsibilities. I have some of my own separate thoughts there as a person’s brain is not fully developed at the age of 13 to have a massive amount on their plate, but with some of those commitments come goals, and that is what we’re setting out to do here. 

This column has always been a passion project of mine, and the core ethos of that will never change. It is my favorite thing that I do. As it moves into its teenage years, we are attempting to push it to new heights and with that comes some monetary explorations and ambitions. As previous readers are aware, aside from accepting tips, the column has always been free to read. The column that you are about to read is also free to read. 

Nothing is changing for now other than setting some incredibly aggressive goals: 

• When the column hits age 18 in 2031, we are looking to do $30K in revenue. 
• When the column turns 21 in 2034 and is legally old enough to drink, we are aiming to do $60K in revenue. 
• When the column celebrates its 30th birthday in 2043, our goal is to do enough in revenue where we do not have to work another job. 

So what does this mean for you, the reader? For right now, literally nothing. What could it mean in the future? Perhaps seeing some advertisements inserted into the column or the column being a subscription model behind a paywall. Maybe even some other side projects that can generate revenue with the column remaining free. 

If you’re rolling your eyes right now, I feel you. I am generally of the belief that not every hobby in life needs to be monetized. I am also of the belief that I’m really fucking good at this and have a right to try. 

If you’re laughing right now, I also feel you. You’re probably thinking that this isn’t a scalable business model, that there’s too many vulnerabilities. The content game is cutthroat and unforgiving. It does not give a fuck what else you have going on in life. It demands to eat, and if it doesn’t eat, then I don’t eat. 

We utilize bold language at times to bring storytelling to life and emphasize realism. Some brands won’t want to associate with that type of stuff, and that’s totally fine. 

Our moat will be that in a world increasingly dominated by AI and algorithms, there is nowhere else that you will receive this level of storytelling and world-building. Combine institutional Philadelphia Eagles knowledge with unique information, statistics, and an innate level of creativity, and it makes for a helluva meal. I use AI every day in other facets of life, and I can assure you that every single word typed into the content management system, every idea, and every concept in this column comes fully from my human brain. The goal is, always has been, and always will be to make people think, laugh, and perhaps even cry while they read. 

A VC firm would laugh me out of the room if this was my pitch to them. Picture what initially happened with Johnny Rose and the Rosebud Motel expansion in Schitt’s Creek on steroids. The thing is though, we’re not pitching VC firms. We’re pitching the hearts and minds of Philadelphia Eagles fans, football fans in general, and even people who don’t like football but just appreciate creative storytelling. 

If people think this is going to completely flop, they’re entitled to their opinion. You’re also encouraged to share it with me. drewbbalis@gmail.com. I LOVE keeping receipts and will look forward to throwing it back when these aforementioned milestone years come around. 

You’re talking to someone who once lost 85 pounds in a calendar year without GLP-1s, (though I fully support you if you’re using them as everyone’s body is different and has unique needs). You’re talking to someone who did numbers on McAfee when my son was 12 days old and I was barely sleeping. 

The bottom line: Bet against me at your own peril. 

How can you as readers support this? We have accepted tips via Venmo for multiple years and always appreciate it. Beyond that, hold the column to a high standard. If I ever sense that quality is being sacrificed in any form, I will halt these goals immediately. This year’s column was written with these goals in mind, and I believe it is my strongest one yet. Your time is incredibly valuable, and I cannot expect people to pay for something if it does not remain top notch. Please hold future editions to the same bar. 

As a couple final notes before we serve up the entrée, per tradition, the column is strategically organized into chapters, so you can keep your place and easily return to it later, akin to reading a great book. Each chapter is also represented by a song title, meant to capture the essence of its respective chapter. If you click the hyperlink in the chapter name, it takes you to a curated Spotify playlist, so you can jam out while reading. 

The column is being published on August 13th, 2026. That is 31 days away from the Eagles season opener. If you read one chapter per day, you would conclude on Labor Day, with 6 days to spare before go time. 

As previously alluded to, my Venmo handle is @Drew-Balis should you deem the column Michelin star-worthy and want to leave a tip. My other non-monetary ask would be that you share the column on your social media and in your group chats. Send me a testimonial that I can use in future marketing and to show advertisers. My goal on Column Day and in the days and weeks that follow is for this link to be everywhere across the Internet, and the readers are the lifeblood of that operation. 

While I embark on this journey behind the scenes, your meal will be right out. 

A massive thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who chooses to dine with us. It means more to me than you know, and I sincerely hope you have as much fun reading the column as I did writing it. 

Year 1️⃣3️⃣, baby, let’s go! 🦅🚀

Chapter 1: Cold as Ice

The wind whips through the cool air as dusk prepares to give way to nightfall.

You shiver while pulling the zipper of your black jacket further up. You’re not a trained meteorologist. You don’t have to be to anticipate that the wind gusts off Lake Michigan are greater than 25 miles per hour.

‘Chicago winters are not for the weak,’ you think to yourself as you attempt to place your hands in the pockets of your coat which is proving to be no match for the lake effect.

All of these statements are true. None of them are applicable right now.

That is because it’s not January but rather coming up on the final week of July.

You wish it was the former. You should have been here for an Eagles-Bears Divisional Round playoff game at Soldier Field and with it an opportunity to right a wrong from Black Friday.

You never had a chance to do this. The 49ers had other ideas. Maybe the Eagles did too.

Chapter 2: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Thursday, July 23rd, 8:26 pm CT

Now the seasons have gone through their cycles. More than six months have passed since that nightmare Wildcard Weekend Sunday where your attempt at defending the Super Bowl crashed into pieces before it ever really began.

Training camp is less than a week away — later this year based on where Labor Day and Week 1 falls on the calendar.

In ways, it’s less nerve-racking to actually have a season opener on a Sunday as opposed to a Thursday (or Friday) like the past two years. It also sucks — sucks because of what it represents. Falling short of expectations. Not being the last team standing.

This is not a convenient moment to attempt to process those feelings because there is a more time sensitive matter. The clock is ticking on your planned plans.

The crowd gathered around The Bean has begun to disperse. Traffic on Michigan Avenue has come to a momentary stop, allowing you to hear the noise emanating from the pocket of your jeans. Pants instead of shorts was the right decision here.

You’ve been making a habit to have your phone on ring more this summer. It comes in handy here. You don’t have time to connect your headphones and opt to simply put the phone to your ear.

“Big Dom! What’s up,” you shout into the Chicago night.

Traffic starts up again, and something about the voice on the other end doesn’t sound right.

“This is Big Dom’s Assistant,” you think you hear while covering up your free left ear. “Nick is not gonna make it out tonight.”

This obviously is not the news you were hoping for, but you try to keep your composure on the phone.

“Everything alright?” you ask while also tapping through your phone to try to cancel a reservation before it’s too late.

“Yeah, just some pre-camp meetings ran late, plus bad weather in Philly,” you hear back. “He’ll meet you tomorrow.”

“I appreciate you letting me know,” you answer back. “What you say your name was?”

The voice on the other end sounds slightly annoyed now. “I didn’t say. I’m Big Dom’s Assistant. What’s your name?”

You briefly pause and think about the cleanest way to answer this.

“I…uh…I’m…,”

Big Dom’s Assistant unknowingly saves you.

“You don’t have to actually answer that. Nick will meet you tomorrow. 10:45 am.”

“He knows the spot?” you ask prior to hanging up.

“I told him the spot,” you hear back, in a matter-of-fact tone.

“Alright,” you say. You have a tendency to repeat yourself when nervous and do so here. “Well again, I appreciate you letting me know.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do for the night now, but thank you.”

“No problem,” remarks Big Dom’s Assistant. “Chicago’s your favorite city. You’ll figure something out.”

The volume in your voice increases as you try to respond before he hangs up.

“Wait! Wait! How do you know this is my favorite city?”

A few passersby now appear interested in what’s going on.

“I’m Big Dom’s Assistant. Big Dom is always watching.”

The call ends as you’re still attempting to figure out what just happened.

Chapter 3: Lips of an Angel

Thursday, July 23rd, 8:35 pm CT

It appears you’re on your own for the night. Or maybe not. Or maybe.

You have an idea about what to do next but as a quick reset head into a nearby convenience store and buy another bottle of water.

Nightfall has officially hit Chicago, and if you’re going to execute this new plan, time is now of the essence.

You reach for your phone once again, connecting headphones this time, and hit the icon to make a call.

“Hello,” you hear on the other end.

This time the voice is one you were aiming for. Now all you have to do is actually talk as you hear a follow-up “Hello?”

“You wanna get dinner with me? Portillo’s on West Taylor Street? It’s less than a 40 minute drive from Evanston. Hell, probably less than 30 if you still drive the way you used to.”

“Sure, why not.” This takes you by surprise. You were not even expecting the call to be picked up. Hearing an answer in the affirmative feels totally out of left field.

“Alright, I’ll meet you outside the restaurant. See you soon.”

There is no further response on the other end of the line. You’re okay with that as you begin putting in the rideshare information to be transported to Portillo’s.

Chapter 4: Eat It

Thursday, July 23rd, 9:13 pm CT

Your Lyft driver dropped you off what feels like ages ago even if it’s only been 10 minutes. You can tell the number of cars in the parking lot has begun to dissipate in that time as natives and tourists alike file out for the night.

No worries on that front. The famous establishment is open until 1 am according to the Internet. You’re not planning on being out nearly that long. The last you checked, the person you’re meeting is not some major night owl where this shouldn’t be a problem.

In another dimension, you’d be concerned that this was all a farce, that you were being stood up, but there is something oddly relaxing about this. Chalk it up to the city or perhaps the magical time of year before football stress really sets in.

Plus, it’s only been about a little more than half an hour from the time your call ended.

You thoughts are validated a few minutes later as you hear a “Yoooooo,” from a few feet away. Even after more than seven years of not seeing each other in person, you recognize that voice.

The actual greeting is far from smooth. You’re unsure whether to handshake, hug, or do nothing and end up simply talking from a slight distance as a few additional people depart Portillo’s.

“I wish I got a chocolate shake,” you overhear another guest say while trying to figure out how to make this less awkward.

“Good to see you, Chip,” you say.

“Yep, you as well,” Chip says back. The lights in the parking lot are only doing so much work here. His tone is pretty measured, and it’s difficult to see any facial expression.

“Should we go in?” you ask. “You been to Portillo’s yet?”

“I haven’t,” answers Chip. “You know me. I kind of keep to myself. Basically go to my office in Northwestern’s Football building. Get some work in. Go home.”

“Oh you’ve been missing out,” you say while pushing the doors open for both of you.

“How do you even know this place? And what are you doing here?” Chip asks while you lead the way into a line approximately nine people deep.

“Dude, I love Chicago,” you say. “And everyone knows Portillo’s. Sure, it’s a little touristy, but I also didn’t grow up on the North Side. Were I from here, I’d probably hit a more local place, but I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.

One tip, and you feel like an Italian Beef guy to me. Don’t just get a hot dog. It’s good, but the beef is where it’s at.”

“Yeah, you actually read that really well. I forget the name of the place, but there was a spot off the beaten path in Philly where I would sometimes grab a sand…”

As Chip is explaining this to you, an employee asks from behind the counter “Can I help the following person?” while making eye contact with you.

“You wanna split a dog as an extra?” you ask with the decision mostly made up in your mind already.

Chip nods in your direction.

“Good evening,” you say. “Yeah, let me get two Italian Beef sandwiches with giardiniera, dipped, one hot dog with everything, two order of fries, you can hold the cheese, and two bottles of water.

Chip, you want any dessert?”

He dismisses this question, and you’re pretty sure it was noticeable enough where the worker clocked it.

“Anything else for you guys?” asks the person, who appears to be a middle-aged woman, in a midwest accent.

You shake your head and flash a thumbs up to indicate that you’re good while inserting your credit card in the machine.

“Your number is 3327. Stand to the right, and someone will call your name when the food is ready.”

“Thank you,” you say with a smile.

Chapter 5: I Love College

Thursday, July 23rd, 9:42 pm CT

Your number was called in short order and with it featured a fully loaded tray with everything you ordered along with some napkins.

The two of you find a table. With the Cubs and White Sox both off tonight, televisions appear tuned to random ESPN programming. Classic rock music is playing, but not loud enough where it interferes with would be dialogue. 

You attempt to think of a way to get some conversation flowing in between bites of the sandwich.

“You know what I found interesting?” you ask rhetorically. “You didn’t have a problem with me using your name — calling you Chip in public. Eight years ago at In-N-Out Burger in LA, you were so freaked out that someone was gonna recognize you. I don’t remember it as much walking around New Orleans the following year, but you basically made me talk in code that whole…”

“Yeah, I like it here,” says Chip. “People don’t care that much about college football, and it doesn’t have the general visibility of an LA market. Has it really been that long?” Chip asks.

“Yeah, let’s see,” you say, reaching for a handful of fries while running through years in your brain.

“So 2019 was New Orleans. Then I think I did a brief Zoom with you during the pandemic. Wow that was a time.

Then I remember calling you when I was in Big Dom’s car in 2021. 2022 I FaceTimed you from Nick’s office, but you mentioned something about throwing out the first pitch at the Dodgers game, and then…”

“I really don’t need all these details,” says Chip with a slight laugh while putting down his sandwich. “It makes sense.”

“I’m on a roll, so I might as well close it out,” you say. “Nothing in 2023. We didn’t talk then. So 2024 I remember you actually called me that summer when you were at Ohio State. You asked me for some intel on Penn State’s defense, and I told you I don’t have anything and even if I did, I can’t give you anything there.

Then last year. Oh shit, last year, I actually FaceTime’d you a few minutes before 3 am, and I never expected you to answer, but yeah, you didn’t answer.

It’s a shame too. Not that you didn’t answer, but last year. I was looking forward to your Linc homecoming in December. It sucks that the Raiders had to do that to you only three weeks before.”

“Yeah, it was a weird year,” Chip says while you grab a few more fries.

“Dude, I was high on you guys,” you excitedly answer. “Granted we didn’t know just how good the Pats were at the time, but you guys walked into Foxboro Week 1, took them down, and I was like ‘Damn, the Raiders are out here. They’re feisty, could be a dark horse team to crash the playoff party.’

Clearly that was a miss on my part. Look, I didn’t watch most of your games, but Geno threw a lot of interceptions the season before too, right? It can’t all be your fault that he led the league in picks.”

Chip does not sound like he wants to provide a lot of details here.

“We don’t have to relitigate it,” Chip says while reaching for a napkin and his bottle of water.

“It had to be pretty cool to work under Pete though,” you say with a half rhetorical nature to it.

“Yeah, I know you always liked Pete,” replies Chip. “I just…I don’t want to disrespect anyone. What Pete did in Seattle and obviously even at USC when I was getting going at Oregon, it’s legendary. I just think we had a lot of moving parts and never really found our footing.”

You say “I get it,” while finishing the sandwich. “Good sandwich. Could have been a bit more giardiniera, but that was nice.”

You consider telling Chip about getting into cooking, which is why you took notice of something like that but decide to stay on topic for now.

“Anyway, I was bummed. The storylines heading into that Sunday would have been fun.”

“I think you and I have different definitions of fun,” Chip remarks while laughing slightly. “You can have the hot dog,” he adds.

“Take a real small piece of the hot dog,” you say back. “You gotta try a Chicago dog. Then I’ll gladly eat the rest. What do you mean by what you just said, in terms of different definitions of fun?”

“I just think it would have been awkward,” Chip says while fidgeting with the end of the hot dog.

“I really don’t think so,” you say back with an extra level of confidence. “If anything, I think it would have been kinda funny.”

“Funny how?” Chip asks in a tone that might as well resemble Tommy in the infamous Goodfellas scene.

You’re lucky it’s now past 10 pm in an unfamiliar time zone. Between Big Dom’s Assistant and now this, you’ve unintentionally annoyed multiple people over the past couple hours.

“Alright, maybe funny wasn’t the right word,” you say while trying to recalibrate. “But I think you’re overthinking the level of hostility that it would have brought.

We — and I mean we as in the Eagles — got two championships. You got one as Ohio State’s Offensive Coordinator in 2024. Healthy breakups are good,” you continue while breaking off a piece of the hot dog bun.

“That stuff was a decade ago. We’re doing good even though last year ended on a sour note. You got a college program over the hump. I know last year went poorly, but you told me years ago you wanted to get back to the NFL and you got back to the NFL.”

“Yeah, I think I’m probably done with the NFL now, and the NFL is done with me,” Chip says. “I took my shots. I did it my way. College is a good spot for me.”

“Who you got first game?” you ask. “Actually, I’ll just pull up your schedule.

South Dakota State, ooooh, big time FCS program coming to your guys’ new stadium. Ryan Field, right? That’s a juicyyyyy matchup.”

“What about you guys?” Chip asks. This is the most he’s been engaged in the conversation, so in addition to liking the topic, you’re happy to oblige.

“Washington,” you answer back with a mix of enthusiasm and general anxiety.

“Classic,” says Chip with a smile. “On the road?”

“Home,” you answer before elaborating. “It’s kind of crazy when I think about it now. Your first game was against Washington, and so was your last game with us. We won’t talk about that, but oh baby, that first game was crazy.”

“I remember,” he says. “That first half was wild.”

“I know it’s late. You probably want to get home. I won’t go down memory lane again, but did you notice Northwestern has a bye during Week 1 of the NFL?

You could come to The Linc and check out the game.”

This is the part where you would wink if you knew how to wink, but you don’t.

Not happening, but good try,” says Chip with a predictable wink back.

“Understood,” you say while polishing off the last bit of the hot dog.

With the taste of the pickle spear still fresh in your mouth, you rise from your chair and take a second to look down at your phone.

“Where you staying?” Chip asks.

“Hyatt, over at McCormick Place,” you say. “About 12 minutes away.”

“Got it,” Chip says sounding a bit surprised. “I thought you would be more in the heart of the city.”

For someone who claims he’s just driving to work and driving home, he seems to know more than you would expect.

“Yeah, I hear that,” you say. “I’ve stayed here a couple times before. Got a good deal on the room.”

“I’ll give you a ride back,” Chip offers, now also standing up and looking prepared to leave.

This sounds more tempting than waiting for and paying for a Lyft.

“I appreciate that, Chip, you say, “I will take you up on that, but I need you to drive the speed limit.

I know you were never big on sentimentality, so I’m not gonna ask you to look at pictures or anything, but I have a son now.

Shit, so much happens in life. I was a senior in college when you were hired. I have a son now.

Sorry, I got lost there for a second, but yeah, we can’t be doing no 90 in a 55 mph zone.”

Chip nods to indicate he understands, and you follow him out to his car.

The short ride features a good amount of silence. From what you can tell, the car is being operated at a normal speed.

“I’m glad you’re happy here, Chip,” you say, attempting to make some conversation prior to him inevitably pulling up to the hotel. “Actually, I don’t want to mischaracterize what you said. I don’t actually know if you said you’re happy or not, but I’m glad you seem at peace with where you’re at.

It’s kinda crazy you coached the 49ers for a year too after us, but I digress.

I’m not really sure where I was going with all that, but it’s been good seeing you.”

“I enjoyed it as well,” Chip responds while pulling into the Porte-cochère and indicating valet isn’t necessary as he’s just doing dropping you off.

The whole past two hours while in ways fulfilling have had a good bit of strangeness hanging over them. It’s probably to be expected after seven years. It’s also left you unsure how to leave.

Much like the initial greeting, everything from a hug, handshake, to a pseudo-Irish exit appear to be on the table.

You settle on a fist bump with a request added in.

“Thanks for the ride,” you say. “Hey Chip, could you for old times sake rhetorically ask me if I’m being a wise ass?”

“Too forced,” Chip says while completing the fist bump portion.

“That’s fair,” you say while hopping out of the car and immediately feeling the wind pick up.

“Yeah, gotta let that happen naturally,” he says prior to closing the car door.

As Chip drives off into the night — noticeably faster than he was going with you in the car — you come to peace with that sometimes it’s alright to let the other person get the final word in.

Chapter 6: Hotel Room Service

Friday, July 24th, 6:56 am CT

You rise from the hotel bed closest to the window while your suitcase sits largely untouched on the other bed closer to the door side.

A pulling back of the curtains reveals Soldier Field in the distance.

The Eagles will be here in just over two months and eight months later than you would have hoped.

This view is not unfamiliar to you and neither is being inside the actual stadium. You have other plans today, and those begin with some additional sleep.

The switch from eastern to central time has thrown you off, and 10:45 is still a ways away.

By the time you go back to sleep, wake up again, and shower, it’s now deep into the 9 am hour.

You double check that you haven’t left anything behind in Room 601 and groggily make your way down to the front desk area. Pretty good timing as only three people are in front of you.

After a few minutes, the path is clear, and you’re greeted with “Good morning! How may I help you?”

“Hi. Checking out, but I asked about this over the phone before booking. They said you could hold my luggage while I’m out for most of the day.”

“We sure can!” says the enthusiastic employee. “And if it saves you time in the future, no need to call. We’re always happy to store luggage for our guests.”

You love some midwestern wholesomeness.

“I just need to see some ID,” she adds.

As this request is being made, you hear your phone going off in your opposite pocket.

“Hello,” you say. “Yeah, the one on East Randolph Street. 10:45 am.

Great. Yes. Thank you, Big Dom’s Assistant.”

“Sorry about that,” you say, turning your attention back to the hotel worker while attempting to multitask by both hanging up your phone and fishing for your drivers license.

“You are all set. You enjoy your day now,” she utters with a smile while handing a small piece of paper over to you.

“Thank you, you too,” you answer while snapping a quick picture of said piece of paper and heading out the large doors.

Chapter 7: The Boys of Summer

Friday, July 24th, 10:44 am CT

Other than LeBron signing with the Sixers, the short ride over features no drama.

Your Lyft driver didn’t seem interested when you told him the breaking news. It makes sense in Chicago given loyalty to MJ. No worries.

Now the only thing left to do is to wait for Nick’s arrival and hope Big Dom’s Assistant didn’t lead you astray.

You stretch for a second and take in a late Chicago morning. It’s warmer than yesterday, and it sorta feels nice right now.

Less than a minute later, you feel a tap on your right shoulder and turn around.

“Good to see you, Nick!” you exclaim, a clear smile on your face “So glad we’re doing this again. You ready to go in?”

“Absolutely not,” Nick says while reluctantly obliging to your half-measured attempt at a bro hug.

“I mean, it’s good to see you,” Nick says. “But I really want to fly under the radar here, and you’re decked out in Eagles gear. You gotta stash this hat somewhere.”

Dressed in plain black clothes, Nick is practicing what he’s preaching here.

“Nick, I think you’re being a little paranoid here. If you really want, I’ll turn the shirt inside out, but I have nowhere to put the hat, and I’m not just gonna lose a Super Bowl hat on the fly.

I promise that we’ll play it cool if someone thinks they recognized you. Just two friends catching up. They don’t have to know if we’re local or what.”

You were expecting more pushback here and are pleasantly surprised when Nick hits you with a “Alright, yeah, you’re probably right.”

The lunch rush understandably is not underway yet as you walk inside, are greeted by a hostess, and are led to a table in the far-right corner by a window.

“Here are two waters to get you started,” says the hostess. “Your server will be with you momentarily.”

“Thank you,” you say while taking a large sip out of yours.

“I cannot believe I let you bring me to Giordano’s,” Nick says with a look of disgust across his face.

“This is such a tourist trap. Could we at least have done Pequod’s or something?”

You let out a good laugh before saying back, “We are by definition, tourists, Nick,” you say. “Plus, not to bring up old pizza drama, but this isn’t Pizza Hut stuffed crust. Deep dish is hated on too much, unnecessarily disrespected. Honestly, not entirely different than you. Based on that alone, you should like this.”

Before Nick can answer, you see someone approaching your table carrying menus and place settings. The woman has golden blonde hair and appears to be in her early to mid 20s.

“Good morning, guys,” she says. “My name is Summer. I’ll be your server. You guys need anything you just let me know. Can I get you started on some drinks?”

“Nice to meet you, Summer,” you say. “I’m good with just water for now. I’ll take a look at the beer menu and maybe have something when you take our food order.”

Nick has remained silent so far, occasionally flipping through the menu.

“I feel like I know you from somewhere,” Summer says.

This got Nick’s attention, and you immediately jump in.

“Oh no, you don’t know me. I’m just…you know…trying to enjoy some deep dish on a summer Friday in Chicago.”

“No, not you,” she says. “You,” pointing at Nick. “I swear I’ve seen you on TV before. Do you coach baseball or something?”

Nick seems equipped to handle this one.

“No, no,” he says. “If I coached baseball, I wouldn’t be here right now. Nah. We’re just, like my friend said, trying to eat some pizza.”

“Got it,” says Summer with a slight nod. “Well, I appreciate you not calling me Summer The Server. I’m not supposed to curse, but some guy yesterday tried calling me that, and in my head, I was like ‘Are you a fucking asshole?’”

“Alright, that guy is definitely an asshole,” you say while moving your finger in a slight pointing motion.

“What you think?” you ask while angling your head towards Nick.

“He seems like an asshole,” says Nick with slightly less enthusiasm.

“Thank you,” responds Summer. “Alright, well I’ll be back in a few to take your order. As I said, you guys let me know if you need anything.”

Nick waits for Summer to be a far distance away prior to saying “I appreciate you not mentioning me by name. I feel like she knows who I am.”

“I really don’t think so,” you say. “I think she was just trying to be friendly. Think about how many people walk in here during a shift, and if anything, she was off with baseball. Even if she thinks you’re someone, there’s no way she knows you’re you.

What you thinking about ordering?”

“I have no idea,” says Nick. “Because I still can’t believe you brought me here. Probably some type of Tavern Style.”

“Man, really,” you say with a slight shake of the head. “You’re not even gonna get deep dish?”

“What are you getting?” Nick asks. “You seem like you’re on a specific mission here.”

“Oh yeah, I’m ready to go,” you answer confidently. “I’m gonna do the Make Your Own Deep Dish. Chicken breast, Green peppers. Black olives. Load that baby up, let’s rock.

Some of the appetizers have always looked interesting to me but gotta have the focus on the pizza, you know? Check this out, this was from a few years ago before that game in 2022.”

“Should we get into things?” Nick asks following a super quick look at the picture.

“Yeah, sure thing,” you say.

“Alright,” Nick says. “I don’t even know where to start here. I guess your general thoughts on last year, what you made of it, suggestions going into this season…”

You’ve waited six months to be asked this question by this specific figure in this specific context.

“My thoughts. My suggestions. Yeah. My advice would be to not be a smacked lil pussy bitch.”

Chapter 8: That’s Amore

Friday, July 24th, 10:59 am CT

“How we doing?” you hear as your sentence concludes. “You guys need some more time or ready to order?”

Nick seems rather shocked at what just transpired.

“I’m sorry,” you say. “You walked back over at a pretty — I don’t even know — interesting point in our conversation.” 

“No worries,” says Summer. “Believe me. I have heard way weirder working tables here.”

“I think we’re ready,” you say, attempting to move off this topic as quickly as possible. “I’m gonna do the 14-inch stuffed deep dish with chicken breast, green peppers, and olives.” 

Summer quickly follows up with “Black olives or green olives?”

“My fault. Black,” you say. “I’ll also get an Angry Orchard Hard Cider.”

“Alright, and for you?,” asks Summer, looking in the direction of Nick while writing down a few notes.

“I will get the 10-inch cheese if you could please add sausage and mushrooms,” Nick says.

You shoot Nick a look that’s meant to say ‘Fuck yeah,’ for deciding to actually order deep dish.

“Anything for you to drink?” asks Summer.

“Just water is good,” answers Nick.

Summer nods and seems prepared to walk away but quickly doubles back.

“I just…I swear I know you. Are you guys from the east coast or something?” she asks. “You guys don’t sound like you’re from here.”

Nick shoots you a look as if he wants you to take this one while you attempt to stay composed.

“Yeah, sometimes I don’t like to put a label on that stuff,” you say. “You know, we travel for work sometimes. We got some connections to New York. We got some ties to Pennsylvania. We’re a little bit all over the place.”

“Well traveled, that’s cool,” says Summer. “Alright, so one more thing, have you guys eaten with us here before?”

There is a quick “No,” “Yes,” following each other with Nick getting his answer out a split second quicker.

“No worries. The reason I ask is — and you may know this already,” says Summer while gesturing to you and away from Nick, “is that our deep dish pies typically take 45 minutes to make. Now we don’t have a stacked kitchen right now, so it might be a little quicker, but I’ve had customers get upset before, so I just like to make sure everyone knows that.

Your beer will be out in a few minutes. You guys need anything else, you let me know.”

Summer makes sure to refill both of your waters before walking away.

“Ties to New York and Pennsylvania?” asks Nick with a scoff.

“Hey, you didn’t even say anything,” you say back. “Plus, I didn’t even have to lie. The two of us truly have ties to both Pennsylvania and New York, and I didn’t even have to say where in Pennsylvania.”

“Alright, should we get back into things?” Nick asks.

“Let’s do it,” you say.

“Alright, anything else to add?” asks Nick.

“I’m not sure what you mean,” you say in return. “I’m really not trying to be funny here ether. I’m just not sure what exactly your question is Nick.”

“You just study and analyze these games so in depth,” Nick says. “We played 18 games last season and that doesn’t even include everything else that happens during the week. You know how much work, how much thought goes into all this. I just thought you were gonna give me a little more off the bat than ‘Don’t be a smacked lil pussy bitch.’”

As Nick concludes talking, Summer places a glass featuring your cider down on the table.

She attempts to hold back laughter while walking away.

Chapter 9: Bad Day

Friday, July 24th, 11:18 am CT

“Cheers to not being a smacked lil pussy bitch?” you ask Nick while raising your glass in his direction.

He waves it away.

“I don’t even think I know what you’re talking about,” he says. “Are you saying I coached like that last year?”

“No,” you say. “I’m not. Alright, we can get more into specifics.

I don’t think anyone had a great year. I thought you did a nice job getting the team back on track after that ugly stretch around Thanksgiving and early December.

We were the only team in the NFL to repeat as division champions. We ended a 20-year NFC East stat there. While ugly, the Buffalo win took some real character. I thought we were building something there.

I don’t know. Things just felt a little off from the start, and I really mean the start.

We don’t have to relitigate this part, but you know I wasn’t fully on board with not embracing defending the Super Bowl. I thought not being out there for the ceremony on Banner Night was a little too much.

Then you had the spitting incident with Jalen Carter before a play had even been run from scrimmage. I don’t know if a season opening win had ever felt more like a loss.

The comeback against the Rams in Week 3 was euphoric — definitely the top moment of the season. 

I wish I could articulate it better. We just didn’t have that killer instinct at times. We were terrible in the second half. I know halftime adjustments get pooh-poohed at times, but did you know we scored the same number of first half points last year that we did two years ago when we won the Super Bowl? 

211.

Here’s the problem, Nick. 2024 in the second half, you scored 252 points. 14.8 average. That’s really good.

Last year, last year you scored 168 second half points. That’s nearly a 100-point drop off.

I’ll stop after this, but we lost five games where we had a lead in the fourth quarter. First four years combined with you and Jalen [Hurts} together, you guys lost eight total under that scenario.

Now mind you, the points stat is just the regular season and doesn’t factor in playoffs, but I think we saw this then carry over into the 49ers game.

I thought you had some good game plans. I thought as a staff you guys had some strong opening scripts and looked prepared.

But then once teams would start to get into their game too, it just looked too often like we had never played football before on offense. How many games did we go without an offensive touchdown after halftime? Six? That’s just too much.”

You take a sip from your glass and pause for a second. The pizza is still realistically at least 30 minutes away from coming out, giving you both a lot of time here.

“So do you think I made a mistake having to get rid of Kevin [Patullo]? Or should I have gotten rid of Kevin sooner during the season?

I really don’t know which way you’re going here.”

You were only planning on having one but may need a second beer after this.

“I think with Kevin…how can I say this…I think Kevin received an outsized portion of blame relative to how much he was actually at fault.

The offensive line was not good. Jalen was inconsistent. AJ was just a handful to deal with, and I’m sure we’ll talk about that later, but there was just a lot going on. I thought Kevin — you go back to the Rams game being the high water mark of the season — called a great second half there. Going up-tempo to get the offense in a rhythm, and that fourth down play just south of the two-minute warning to get DeVonta open for the touchdown was really impressive.

I just…I don’t know if Kevin is a play-caller, and that’s not even a full-on criticism. It just may not be the right job for him. You could run into that all of the time in all different lines of work. Someone is an elegant writer but put them in front of a camera and they can barely communicate. Someone stinks at sales but is good at managing people and can lead a sales team.

Calling plays, there’s really a unique art and science combination to it. I actually don’t make as much about play design as some other folks do. Take a play-caller who’s really well renowned. [Sean] McVay, [Kyle] Shanahan, whoever you want.

Most people could latch onto one of their concepts, teach it in practice, put it on the play sheet, and then call it in a game.

But that last part is the differentiator. The ability to think on one’s feet. To have a feel for when to call what in a certain moment of a game and how to work 30 steps ahead and run something in the first quarter that sets something up in the fourth quarter. That’s what separates the people who make a name for themselves doing this versus the people who are one-and-done at it.

I would ask you this, and I think you probably know the answer, so you don’t have to actually respond if you don’t want to:

Is Kevin a special coach?”

You pause for a second to allow the words to breathe before continuing.

“Like two decades from now, is the name ‘Kevin Patullo’ going to be mentioned in NFL circles as an all-time elite play-caller?

That’s why I personally would have made a change after that Bears Black Friday game last year. I was at that one with my buddy Justin, and it was just a brutal game.

I had even said a week prior to that after the Cowboys game that I would have tried to get Frank [Reich] on a plane once Stanford’s season wrapped right after Thanksgiving.

You could have gone to [2025 quarterbacks coach] Scot Loeffler even.

I don’t know that the season ends any differently. Some of those years you just sense that you probably have too many flaws to win four straight playoff games, but I think it could have helped late in that 49ers game.”

“Yeah, that one still eats at me,” Nick says.

“It was a weird day,” you say.

“What do you remember from it?” Nick says while adjusting his sitting position slightly.

“The year before with the Super Bowl run, there was just so much confidence that we were gonna win those games, and the year before that, if we can be honest, we were kind of a dead team walking heading to Tampa.

This wasn’t either of those things. I just remember the whole day leading up to 4:30 feeling a bit off. My son hadn’t been in a good mood, was really difficult to change and get ready for a nap, and I know that sounds really innocuous, but it felt like it fit a larger theme.

That entire week, Lane was questionable with the Lisfranc injury, and a lot of us probably convinced ourselves he would play even though the sentiment swung a few different times.

So then 90 minutes before kickoff it comes out that he’s inactive. Second play of the game, Niners have that 60+ yard pass where Quinyon makes a mistake and gets beat and I remember thinking ‘When has this ever happened before?’ Well, four plays later it happens again. Touchdown Niners, 7–0. 

Quinyon as we know would go on to have way more positives than negatives with those two interceptions but then later in the first half, Cooper [DeJean] gets beat on a play that helps set up a Niners field goal.

The next drive immediately after that is where the AJ stuff finally reaches the point of eruption, and I made this comment about Banner Night against Dallas earlier — I think it also holds true here. We enter halftime up 13–10. In some ways, it felt like we had controlled most of the game after that opening possession.

And psychologically it was just so different. Everything felt off even though we had typically won those types of games.”

“Yeah, we might as well rip the bandaid off and talk about that,” says Nick. “You think I handled that the wrong way? I just had to try something. It was a goddamn playoff game with the season on the line.”

“I hear you,” you say calmly. “I don’t know if I’m the right person to answer this. You remember when I talked about the Eagles — Giants playoff game in 2022 and how personal it was for me and why it was so personal?”

“No one could forget that,” Nick says with a chuckle.

“Yeah, you know that my big belief is do not publicly embarrass and shame people. Now it’s not like in an elimination game you can just exit the public view where cameras aren’t around, jog on into the locker room, and have a conversation with AJ in your office.

You had to try something to wake AJ up. You did what you felt like you had to do. I think the mistake was AJ has never responded well to public criticism like that, and that’s a situation — and you’re usually really good at this — that’s a spot where you just have to know your players and whether or not someone can handle a public lashing like that in the moment.

I just know that AJ checked out the moment that happened. I really don’t think I had seen anything like it before, and I don’t want this to get misconstrued. I am appreciative of AJ’s positive impact here.

I always make it a point to say that he far and away had the best parade speech. He basically told all of his haters to go fuck themselves, and you know me, Nick, I LOVE when people tell their haters to go fuck themselves, but almost immediately after that, he just invalidated a lot of what he said in the speech.” 

“Yeah, really, we don’t have to cover it that deeply,” Nick says. “We can shift focus to the guys who are actually here.”

You’re a little too far down the rabbit hole now to stop.

Chapter 10: Broken

Friday, July 24th, 11:39 am CT

“Have you watched or heard of the TV Show The Bear, Nick?,” you ask while looking over your shoulder.

From what you can tell, no sign of pizza yet.

“I haven’t,” Nick replies. “I’m guessing you have though if you’re bringing it unprompted, and I know in the past you told me that you don’t watch a lot of TV, so you must really like it if you’ve watched it.”

This is your wheelhouse now.

“Yes to both,” you say. “I think it’s the best show ever made, but I didn’t exactly bring it up unprompted. I have a point here.”

“I will go along with this,” Nick says. If you had to classify it, he sounds 51% intrigued and 49% reluctant.

“Who’s the main character?” he asks.

“The brokenness,” you say without hesitation.

“Huh?” Nick asks. “You totally lost me.”

“The main character is a guy named Carmen,” you say. “But that’s not really the point. The brokenness is the true main character.

All of these people are deeply tortured by something in life.

Carmy actually reminds me some of you,” you say. “So basically he’s an award-winning chef who leaves the world of fine dining to come back to — wait for it — Chicago, to run his family’s sandwich shop after his older brother committed suicide.

Picture the sandwich shop if you will as the 2020 Eagles before you arrive. People love them, but they’re beaten down. Slow. Outdated systems and culture. 

Much like yourself, Carmy’s incredibly good at what he does in the form of cooking but has a temper and lives in a constant state of stress. He’ll go on to set a lot of people up for success, but sometimes doesn’t say the right thing at the right time.

Now let’s meet Sydney. She is our Jalen Hurts. Young. Ambitious. Calm demeanor. She actually once had a great one-liner where she says “I don’t listen to the world,” and I could absolutely see Jalen casually dropping that in a press conference.” 

“I actually can too,” Nick interjects.

“Incredibly talented but has also been through her own share of adversity. Just like how Jalen got benched at Alabama, she had a catering business fail. Some people think she takes her job too seriously and has a tendency to go rogue at times.

Much like you and Jalen, her and Carmy have a ton of success together, but their vastly different personalities sometimes lead to friction and chaos. They work best when they trust each other and balance each other out.

You following so far?” you stop and ask Nick.

“I think so,” he says back.

“Great,” you say. “Let’s go to Unc now. Unc is my favorite. Unc’s whole thing is that he wants to come off as a hardass, but deep down, you can feel how much he loves Carm, Carm’s sister who we’ll get to in a bit, and this whole crew. Unc is the show’s Vic Fangio. He’s gonna point out every little thing that’s going wrong, but no one cares about you more.

I guarantee you Unc was screaming at Solder Field when Ben Johnson didn’t go for two against the Rams in the playoffs last year.

Some of these comps are not gonna be perfect. For example, there are Eagles fans who like Vic Fangio way more than I do, but you get the idea. Unc ain’t no smacked little pussy bitch.”

Chapter 11: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely

Friday, July 24th, 11:46 am CT

“I am just crushing it here with the timing, huh?” Summer asks while placing down two elevated pizza trays across from each other. 

She proceeds to set your pie down followed by Nick’s, and while she’s cutting each of you a slice respectively, you offer a line of:

“I promise we are not doing this as some bit every time you approach the table.”

“Hey, like I said before, I have heard far weirder conversations working here.

Either of you want to take a picture of the cheese pull while I’m cutting?”

You sense Nick has no interest in this, and you’ve done it before where you don’t need to repeat it here.

“Appreciate it. We’re good,” you say.

“Alright, gentlemen, enjoy,” says Summer. “Can I get you guys anything else? Another beer for you?”

You consider this for a second and then politely decline.

“I’m good,” you say. “Maybe in a little bit. Let me eat a slice or two of pizza first.”

Summer walks away and leaves you and Nick to continue your conversation.

“Alright, let’s pick up with The Bear,” you say.

“Yeahhhh,” says Nick. “Is there a point to this? Like are you intending to land this plane at any point, or are we just gonna circle?”

“Oh buddy, there’s multiple points,” you assure Nick. “I’m gonna stick the landing, but we haven’t even reached our maximum altitude yet.

Here. You eat pizza. I’ll talk in between bites.

Next, we got Computer. He’s Unc’s friend. Computer is just a total numbers guy. Very analytical. He’s the Howie Roseman of the show. Not as jovial as Howie can be but equal parts shrewd.

Let’s do Richie next. Everyone loves Richie. Think of Richie the way you would think of Brandon Graham.

“Okay wow,” Nick says in between a bite. “That’s a big one.”

“Glad I got your attention,” you say. “Let’s keep it going. Some of these are side characters, but next we’ll go to Ebra. This is a Somali refugee. From what we understand, he’s never cooked prior to working at this place but is always trying to grow. There’s a great clip where he says to Rob Reiner’s character, may he rest in peace: 

‘I want to create opportunity.’

Ebra is Jordan Mailata, and Albert Schnurr is Jeff Stoutland. I’ve spent tons of time thinking about this, and I swear the Stout element just now hit me. No longer around every day, but the lessons and impact are not forgotten.

Then you got Jess. We’re gonna say she’s Quinyon. Just a total badass. Like I pointed out before, she rarely makes a mistake, so you’re surprised if she ever does. Much like Quinyon coming in at the start of his rookie season, as soon as Jess begins working at the restaurant, the problems that her role would be responsible for are immediately solved.

Let’s do Chef Terry now. Carmy’s mentor when he was coming up through the ranks in the world of fine dining. If you wanted to assign this to Frank [Reich] or Larry Kehres, that’s fine. I’m gonna say Chef Terry is Jeffrey Lurie. She’s not micromanaging every single situation in her restaurant, but she knows everything that’s happening around it at all times.

Let’s keep going here. I think I alluded to her before. We got Natalie, who is Carmy’s sister. You also may hear people refer to her as Sugar. That’s Lane Johnson right there. Bad stuff happens when she’s not around, and everyone performs better when she is.

Sometimes you’re not sure what she’s still doing here. She gave up another career to run the restaurant’s operations, and doesn’t necessarily need this, but day after day, she keeps coming back.

Next up, Tina. DeVonta. No matter how much she accomplishes, Tina’s got a chip on her shoulder. Because of her untraditional background, some people don’t think she’s cut out for this. Doubt her at your own peril.”

You stop to take a bite of pizza.

“That’s so fucking good,” you say. “Alright, this one was a bit of a stretch for me, but we’re gonna say Luca is Cooper DeJean. Versatile. Just really good at what he does.

We’re gonna go Sean Mannion for Marcus. He’s ambitious. He rises the ranks quickly, going from working at McDonald’s to becoming an award-winning pastry chef, but sometimes that ambition can lead to tunnel vision and get him in a sticky situation, so that’s on Carmy and Syd to manage.”

Nick jumps in with “Alright, I see where you’re going with this one.”

“Fuck yes,” you say with a slight fist pump to the point where another patron glances over at you. “Let’s keep it going. Claire is at points a love interest of Carmy. They know each other going back to childhood. Claire is Shane Steichen. She’s not here for that long but impactful during the time that she is.

This is also fitting because a lot of people seem to dislike her, and for the life of me, much like I couldn’t with Shane, I can’t figure out why that is.

We’re gonna say that Garrett for the sake of this exercise is Jordan Davis. It’s not a perfect comparison, but it will make sense when we go back to this.

Rene is introduced to us as a colleague of Garrett. We’re gonna call him Nakobe Dean. Georgia connection and all with him and Garrett linked. Just roll with it.

We’re not quite at the end yet, but we’re getting there. Pete — Sugar’s husband — Pete is Dallas Goedert.

This is a tough one because I like Dallas Goedert a lot. I don’t like Pete. I just can’t warm up to Pete.

He’s Dallas Goedert in that sometimes he’ll come on the screen and in my head I’m like ‘Oh, you’re still here. You go here.’ But then he’ll do something that’s incredibly valuable.

I didn’t think Dallas was coming back with all the changes on offense, but he’s still here and coming off a career high in touchdowns.

Now we got Michael, Carmy’s brother, and based on what I said before, I’m gonna tread carefully here. Michael is Andy Reid, the Eagles version.

He wasn’t around to soak in the later success, but he set the foundation. Some people couldn’t connect with nor appreciate him, but the people who worked for him at the restaurant absolutely loved him. They would go to war for him.

We’re on the final three. Let me just grab another slice of pizza here, and I’ll keep going.

Neil Fak. Landon Dickerson. Funny personality. Provides a good amount of entertainment, but don’t take the comic relief to mean he isn’t capable. Remember two years ago how Landon played center during the first half of the NFC Championship Game when Cam was hurt? That encapsulates Fak really well.” 

“I like that one,” Nick says.

“Sweeps. That might as well be Zack Baun. When we first meet him, he’s working some random jobs in the sandwich shop and by the final season, he’s a sommelier at their transformed fine-dining restaurant.

“I think I’m starting to see the pattern,” Nick says. “Random edge rusher to All-Pro off ball linebacker transition with a new team.”

“You’re catching on now,” you say. “Last one, and I’m gonna cheat a bit with this one. Last but not least, we got Donna, the mother of Michael, Natalie, and Carmy.

Donna is unhinged. Moody. Erratic. I’m not licensed to diagnose this, but I’d go as far as to say bipolar. Almost never takes accountability for her actions but the one time she does and apologizes to Carm, it’s actually incredibly profound and moving.

Donna is Chauncey [Gardner-Johnson]. She wears on people. She’s best in small doses, but there are moments where you really feel her value.”

Chapter 12: Love Story

Friday, July 24th, 12:06 pm CT

Nick appears to have taken a slight break after his first slice of pizza, so you continue talking.

“Alright, so I brought this up for a couple of reasons. You recall what I said about Richie?”

Nick nods.

“Richie,” you say. “Richie has the best character arc in the entire show, maybe in TV history. Early on, he’s abrasive. He’s angry at the world. Struggling with identity and openly admitting that he doesn’t know what his purpose is.

Then in the second season of the show as they’re planning on rebranding the restaurant from a family-run sandwich stand to a fine-dining venture, he for a week is sent to work at one of the nicest restaurants in the city where Carmy has some connections. Chef Terry’s restaurant.

Day 1, he hates it. Day 2, he hates it. Beginning of Day 3, still hates it. Just nonstop washing and drying forks — and he’s doing it poorly where his ‘manager’ — Garrett — takes notice. Finally after Richie kinda diminishes the significance of the task, Garrett’s had enough and demands to talk to him outside.

In fact let’s just watch.”

You hold up your phone and play the approximate two-minute click.

“Alright, I’m invested in this now,” Nick says looking across the table. “What happens next?”

“What happens next is I believe the best 14 minutes of any media ever created — TV, movie, book, whatever. Field of Dreams is my favorite movie. I’ll put it even higher than that. I dare you not to cry at what I’m gonna show you. Let’s watch again.”

You are full on crying by the time the video ends. It does not appear Nick has gone that far, but you can see a small tear going down his face.

“I think I would appreciate it more if I had lived and died with the characters the whole show like you did, but it’s good.”

“Just look if I freeze frame this clip at the 1:26 mark,” you say. “Look at that smile. This guy was more or less left for dead 24 hours ago, just a lost 45-year old man without any direction.

Look again. That’s a guy who has found purpose and hope in life.”

“I like this general metaphor,” Nick confirms. “But you compared Richie to BG, right? And Garrett to Jordan Davis. Wouldn’t the other way around make more sense?”

“So I see why you ask that,” you say, having anticipated a follow-up question of this nature.

“Like I said, some of the comps aren’t perfect, but you’re thinking of the Brandon you know. You’re not thinking of the guy who when you were still a Quality Control Coach with the Chiefs and Chargers had a really tough introduction to the league and was categorized as a bust after his first few seasons.

What’s so beautiful to me about that scene is — and you know this is a passion point of mine when I mentioned how meaningful that Eagles-Giants playoff game was to me a few years ago — Garrett doesn’t yell at Richie. He doesn’t curse at him. He doesn’t embarrass him in front of the rest of the kitchen staff. He just talks to him in a language that Richie can understand and appreciate.

Had Garrett done some of those things I mentioned that he didn’t do, this transformation, this awakening from Richie I don’t think ever happens. Richie put in the work himself, but Garrett was an initial catalyst.

That was late in Season 2 of a 5-season show. Everyone loves Richie by the end, just like how Brandon is now beloved, but that wasn’t always the case with both.

I don’t know that Brandon had some aha moment, but like Richie, he was humble enough to accept some of this criticism if it came his way constructively.

With AJ, your criticism wasn’t constructive, and I don’t know that he would have been able to accept it even if it was. I know football is different too. It’s just a good reminder that it’s really difficult to accomplish things just by screaming at people.”

Chapter 13: Breaking the Habit

Friday, July 24th, 12:31 pm CT

There are a few seconds of silence as you swallow a particularly chewy bite of pizza.

“Garrett, by the way, before getting into hospitality was an alcoholic. So I thought of as a parallel to Jordan early on in his career struggling with weight and being fined. Overcame something. Good leader. You can see where I’m going with it.

We can get back to team stuff. I mentioned Sean Mannion when I brought up Marcus from the show before. Can we talk about this offensive coordinator search you had in the back half of January?”

“Yeah, sure, what do you want to know?” Nick asks.

“Honestly, I don’t even know,” you say. “I looked back the other day at when Sean was hired, and it’s crazy that thing only took a little over two weeks. It felt like two months.”

“I am really excited to work with Sean,” Nick offers up proactively. “One of the smartest people I’ve been around.

Who did you want to hire?”

“That’s a hard one to answer,” you say. “My top guy was Kevin Stefanski, but he ended up getting the Falcons head coaching job, so that wasn’t totally realistic.

When names really started to come off the board, I had zeroed in on Jim Bob Cooter. For me, it was pretty simple. I knew you guys got along, and I believed he could do the job. A lot of people and places complicate hiring in life. Those two elements when you strip everything else away is really what it comes down to. Do I like you? Can you do the job? I thought he checked both boxes.

I also didn’t think we needed a total system overhaul. Think back to the stat we discussed earlier about first half points vs. second half points. I really thought we just needed someone who could look at what we already had in place, make it 10% better, and I liked that Cooter was here with us in 2021 when the offense was remade in October on the fly.

What you think of the pizza by the way?”

“I didn’t want to admit it, but it’s better than I would have thought,” Nick says while reaching for another bite.

“Good,” you say while chasing some beer with water.

“I watched Sean’s first press conference intently. I watched it twice. I agree with you. He seems super sharp. I’d say even more importantly, he seems like he has the stomach to believe in his process and handle criticism.

I thought all of the outside noise got to Kevin as the season went on last year. You don’t have to comment on that.”

Nick remains silent while you prepare to continue.

“I don’t know though,” you add. “There’s just part of me that isn’t totally buying it.”

“You should buy it,” Nick says rather directly.

“Not the Sean part,” you clarify. “I guess I just don’t totally believe that if things get tight, if you guys hit a speed bump doing all of this under center, play-action, throwing over the middle stuff that you and Jalen — both together and individually — aren’t just gonna go back to what you’ve always done because you guys won way more often than not doing it that way.”

“I get why you would think that,” Nick says while looking directly at you. “Look, I trust you, but also it’s a competitive advantage for me to tell as few people as possible what our plans are before the season actually starts.”

“You seem legitimately excited about it,” you say back reassuringly. “I just kind of wish you had done this last year, 17 months ago, when Kellen left. I’m not saying specifically with Sean.

We just had a lot of evidence that internal promotions coming off a season that in some form ends at the Super Bowl don’t work. We had it with Mike Groh before you were here. Then Brian [Johnson] under you. And Kevin being the most recent example.

There is another really moving line from The Bear, it’s actually from a character I didn’t mention yet, and we don’t have to cover him in deep detail, but even as an isolated, standalone thought, it’s really powerful. His name is Lee, and he tells Carmy:

‘Sometimes to break patterns, you gotta break patterns, man.’

I don’t have the actual clip of him saying it, but we can watch Carmy repeating it to Unc here later on, so you can tell it resonated with him.

Part of me thinks we’d be so much further along had we learned from previous examples and done this a year ago. Another part of me wonders if you had to do it at all. Could have just hired Jim Bob like I said and kept the train on the tracks. 

If you believe in what’s happening, then I’m excited about it.

I know people give you shit sometimes about some elements of this. They’ll say that you’ve fired guys like Brian and Kevin to keep you own job. They talk about how Doug [Pederson[ stood on business and refused to move off of Press Taylor.

Fuck that. It lit his career on fire. He’s going on two years without working in the NFL now.

Yes, there’s an element of having principles, but you also can’t have weak cogs in the machine dragging you down.

So if you believe Sean’s as bright as the organization is portraying he is, then let’s go. That talking point about Sean taking your job if things go well, I ain’t worried about that.

If you want to soar with Eagles, you can’t be hanging out with pigeons. You put your fucking pussy on the table, and you surround yourself with people who you think are the best at what they do.”

“Annnnd we’re back,” says Summer while popping by your table. 

Chapter 14: Jessie’s Girl

Friday, July 24th, 12:45 pm CT

“How is everything?” asks Summer while trying to keep her composure . “Have we thought about another beer? I have no idea what you guys are talking about, but it sounds like you can use some beer.”

“Yeah,” you say after taking a second to contemplate. “I’ll do another Angry Orchard. Sometimes I’m not even sure what we’re talking about.”

“And for you, sir?” Summer gestures towards Nick. “Can I get you anything?”

“Get a beer,” you quickly say while making sure not to add Nick’s name to it.

“This mother fucker trying to get me in trouble,” Nick says with a half laugh while pointing at you. “I’m good. Thank you, though.”

Summer flashes a thumbs up and walks away from the table. You’ve now been here for over two hours yet the day still feels young.

“Can I ask you one thing, Nick, while we’re still on the topic of offensive coordinator stuff? What was it like interviewing Declan Doyle?”

A person walking by your table presumably on their way to the bathroom appears to swivel their head around upon hearing the name of the former Bears assistant.

“I was intrigued by that one,” you add. “Worked under Sean Payton. That’s Ben Johnson’s guy. Little more experience than Sean [Mannion].”

“Yeah, shoot, out of respect for Declan, I don’t want to get too into details,” Nick begins. “But we had a really good conversation with him. A few days later, Declan called us, and we didn’t pry for details, but he basically said he’s gonna focus on other opportunities.

I think the Ravens are a really good fit for him. Rookie head coach. He’s gonna get to sorta build it from scratch with Lamar. We’re over the moon with who we got. I think Jesse [Minter] got a good one too.”

You bob your head slightly while breaking off a piece of crust.

“Yeah, really not that deep,” says Nick. “Jobs are about a fit, and he made a decision that he felt was right for him.”

Chapter 15: Breakfast at Tiffany’s

Friday, July 24th, 12:55 pm CT

Summer walks over your beer and quickly scurries off to another table. 

You nod to signal thank you and take a small sip from the glass. 

“Speaking of jobs,” you say. “You ever work in a restaurant, Nick?

I know there were a bunch of profiles done on your upbringing, but I don’t remember any details there.”

“Never did,” Nick says. “Just was always really busy with football and other sports. I don’t know if it would have been a good match for my personality or not in terms of sometimes having a temper.”

“That makes sense,” you say while taking in the scene as the lunch crowd begins to pick up. “I wouldn’t sell yourself short though. I think a lot of people doing this can be hotheaded at times. Go back to The Bear example with Carmy.” 

“You?” Nick asks. “You ever have a job in one?”

“Nah, me neither,” you say. “Most of my jobs growing up were camp counselor jobs initially. I worked retail for a couple months back before online shopping totally took over, but yeah, most of my jobs ever since have been in the corporate world.

I really want to do it. You know sometimes how you just want to do something to prove to yourself that you could do it? That’s me here. I realize how stressful it can be. I might suck at it, but part of me thinks I could be really good too.”

“Interesting,” Nick offers. “Yeah, you’d want to be like a host or a server?”

“I could get down with that,” you say. “But if general norms weren’t a thing and I could just try anything, you’re gonna laugh, but I really want to cook.”

Nick’s eyes twitch slightly. “I’m not laughing,” he says. “You’ve just never talked about it before in the six years that I’ve known you. I just had no idea you were into cooking.”

You set out to not sound defensive here.

“Definitely more of a recent thing after — you know — watching The Bear, but it doesn’t feel like a flash in the pan. I really like it.

Here, check some of this stuff out,” you add while scrolling through your phone.

“You’ll appreciate this. This was Italian Beef with giardiniera on the season premiere day of The Bear.”

“Alrighttt,” Nick says with some extra oomph in his voice while passing the phone back to you.

“Some pesto wings,” you say while turning the phone back towards Nick.

“Damn, those look pretty good,” Nick says.

“Now this is my homemade honey mustard sauce. I’ll speed things up so we don’t go too long on this, but some potato salad back around 4th of July. Potatoes are a bitch to prep. Some hash browns also. I messed up the hash browns a little. Added a little too much black pepper, but it’s alright.

Check two final things out. Little French toast action, and then this was a Mac & Cheese I made for Jaime and I.

“That and the Italian Beef with giardiniera are definitely your best ones,” Nick says with a smile.

“Oh yeah, I was proud of how those turned out,” you say.

You have more to add on this topic and continue.

“It’s kind of like, when you have a really rewarding moment as a coach or you come up with a perfect idea in a particular situation.

Like take successfully running the Tush Push for the first time as an example. Like sure, you could have just run a sweep or halfback dive on 4th and 1. That’s takeout. Anyone can do that, and sometimes you need takeout. I order takeout. I like it.

But there’s something different when that’s YOURS. Taking that first bite and just knowing ‘Yeah, I did that.’ Maybe at times it feels out of place and ridiculous, but given the discourse now, imagine what people must have felt when they first saw the Tush Push. They’re thinking that this looks stupid and will never work. 

And then you let ’em know.”

You reach for your phone with one other thing popping into your head. These were wings I did with homemade buffalo sauce recently, but what’s funny is, I ain’t got all those fancy chef knives right now. So it was really difficult for me to separate the wings into drums and flats where you got some loooonnnnggg action here. Kind of like when Tanner [McKee] started that final game against Washington last season. Sometimes you just try to make do with what you have. I know that game didn’t go great, but the wing sauce was fire, let me tell you.”

“I could actually see this working,” Nick says. “Because you don’t really get mad on the spot. You can be insanely passive-aggressive, but I actually think people in that environment would enjoy working with you knowing you’re not gonna yell at them. Maybe a nice change of pace for them.”

“I will take that as a compliment, Nick,” you say with a grin and smirk combination. “That is the best thing I’ve heard all day.”

Chapter 16: Learn to Fly

Friday, July 24th, 1:17 pm CT

Following a few seconds of silence, both of you say “Schedule?” simultaneously.

“Man, we’ve been doing this a long time,” you say.

“I know you pretty well after six years to have an idea of what you’re thinking,” responds Nick. “So what are your thoughts?”

“Yeah, I wasn’t expecting the Commanders in the first game. Really thought it was gonna be Arizona on the road or maybe an AFC team like the Colts or the Texans at home.

First time we’ve opened at home on a Sunday since 2019, which was also against the Commanders.”

“I cannot believe your mind went there,” interjects Nick.

“It’s a sickness and a gift,” you say. “Yeah, this is an odd one. You know how I get with the first game, how nervous I get. Every time I look at that roster, I don’t think it’s very good. They’re old in a lot of places. The defense features a lot of random free agents just kind of thrown together, but Jayden Daniels is healthy, and Dan Quinn, I don’t love Dan Quinn as a coach, but that’s a tough first assignment for Sean to go against. 4:25 nationally televised game. I imagine Tom Brady could be on the call. Sean’s not really gonna have a place to hide.

I think we’ll be alright, but it’s gonna keep me up at night until we are alright.

Titans in Week 2. This is your first time down there. We’ve never won down there. I think they could be one of the worst teams in the league, but Jalen has struggled against Robert Saleh defenses in his career. If the offense looks good here, it will definitely be notable and a big early notch for Sean.

Then we’re here in Week 3,” you point down at the table to signal this while continuing.

“I think it’s really important that we go into this game 2–0. I know. I know. I say this every year. You’re gonna say I sound like a broken record. We talked earlier about how the Bears kicked our ass last year. With this plus the Rams on a short week, I don’t want to feel that type of heat early. Get the first two, and it takes the temperature down a few degrees.

Then the Rams game, I just want to say this, and I don’t think a lot of people will tell you this, but if we get off to the good start I’ve mentioned, then I wouldn’t put too much pressure on yourselves that game. It’s the day after my birthday. I would like you to win. It sucked when we lost to the Broncos on my birthday weekend last year. The Phillies are hopefully gonna be playing Game 2 of the NLDS. We’ll see how things go there.

It just feels inevitable that they’re gonna get us at some point, and I would rather it be a time like this than what I experienced with Tampa in 2002 where it happens in the playoffs.

You want some wings by the way?”

“What?” Nick asks, surprised that this question came seemingly out of left field.

“I’ve never tried the wings here before,” you say. “We still have 13 regular season games to go through. Do you want some wings?”

“Actually sure,” says Nick. “Yeah, let’s get some wings.”

“Great,” you say. “The next time Summer comes over, we’ll order the buffalo wings.

Jaguars across the pond. This is a fun one. You know I’ve always been a big Trevor Lawrence guy. It’s crazy, this is gonna be the third time in five years playing the Jaguars. The way this new scheduling works is crazy.

Then this next stretch here, this is where if we haven’t gotten off to the start I keep talking about — and hopefully even if we have — this is where I think we could really take off. Pun intended because we’re not getting on a plane for 45 days once we fly back from London.

Panthers home. Dallas home — this could be a wild night because if the Phillies are somehow in the World Series, it would be Game 3 scheduled for then. Commanders on the road, Giants at home before the bye, then hosting the Steelers coming out of the bye. I don’t take anyone lightly, but I’d be surprised if Pittsburgh was good. They just seem a little stuck to me, trying to transition right now without a solid long-term plan.”

“How we doing folks? Do we want boxes for the pizza. Can I get you guys anything else?”

“Actually yeah, Summer,” Nick says before you start speaking. “Can we get an order of the buffalo wings?”

“I like that he’s beginning to talk,” Summer says. “I will get right on that.”

“Same here,” you say. “Ask him about…”

Nick kicks you underneath the table hard enough where you feel it in your right shin.

“I was just gonna say ask him if he wants ranch or blue cheese. I don’t need either. Just some additional sauce on the side if you could please, Summer.”

“That’s good with me,” Nick says.

Summer indicates she’ll have the wings out shortly and leaves the two of you alone again at the table.

“Sorry for kicking you,” Nick says. “I just didn’t know where you were gonna take that and…”

“Honestly, I didn’t either,” you say with a laugh. “I wasn’t gonna say anything that would have given your identity away. I just thought it’d be funny to see how you would react, and you reacted alright.”

You look down at your shin and continue talking.

“Man, I really hate that we’re playing on Thanksgiving.”

“Really?” asks Nick.

“Yeah,” you answer. “It’s just not a fun day to be stressed about your team playing. Combine that with generally not playing our best football in Dallas, and I get it. It’s an attractive ratings game for the league, clearly. I just wish we weren’t a part of it.

Then back at it on the road in Arizona. We also never play real well out there, but they might rival Tennessee for one of the worst teams in the league. I won’t be there, but I actually need to put a reminder in my phone to text my buddy Doc that week. 

Back at home against the Colts, with everything that’s preceded this and everything that’s coming, it will be nice to have a 1 pm Sunday game at The Linc. Fun to see Shane too. Maybe if their season is going poorly, you can put the bug in his ear about coming back here at some point.

Then we go Seattle home, Houston home on Christmas Eve, then a trip to San Francisco and up the turnpike to round it out against the Giants. That’s a fascinating final stretch. If you beat Seattle, you’ll be a hero.

George W. Bush was still president the last time we beat Seattle. It was two days before the 2008 Election.”

“Whoa,” Nick says. “That is nuts.”

“Yeah,” you say. “Long time.

I think overall the schedule can set up well. A few years ago you could circle a cluster of games and just know that it was gonna be really difficult. I don’t see that on here. Don’t see a lot of easy stuff either, but nine games against teams that didn’t make the playoffs last year. A couple squads that did, but I could see taking a step back in the Panthers and Steelers who I mentioned.

It’s there for us. We just gotta you know, put our pussies on the table and make it happ…”

“Here are your wings, gentlemen,” Summer says while setting down a tray with the extra sauce you requested, some celery, carrots, and two individual plates. “I’m not even gonna ask what you’re talking about, so do not worry about it.”

“Thank you, Summer,” you both say in unison.

Chapter 17: Ironic

Friday, July 24th, 1:36 pm CT

“You be the guinea pig here,” you say moving the tray closer to Nick. “You seemed amped about these.”

“Pretty good,” Nick says while eating a bit and reaching for a napkin.

“It’s an intriguing conference. Division should be competitive. We talked about the Commanders being a bit of an unknown. The Giants have a coach for the first time in what feels like over a decade. I actually thought, and I’m shocked I’m admitting this, but Schottenheimer did a decent job with the Cowboys last year.

I don’t take anyone in the South too seriously, but I thought Kellen had something going with Tyler Shough down the stretch last year. The Bucs are always competitive, but I may actually pick the Saints win total over. I gotta think about that.

The North is just crazy. I’m gonna talk softly here, so it doesn’t draw attention.

Like, I could see the Bears easily going to the Super Bowl. I could also see them having some major regression with all the close games they won and missing the playoffs. That’s one of those divisions that any of the four teams could win, even the Vikings with Kyler.

I agree, by the way. This wing is really good.”

“Yeah, solid call by you,” Nick says while taking one more and turning the plate back in your direction.

“Then you got all the contenders in the west other than Arizona.

I don’t think the Niners are great, but they won 12 games last year, 13 if you count beating us in the playoffs.

Seattle, one thing they did that I like is they didn’t just go the internal promotion route to backfill offensive coordinator when Klint Kubiak left for the Raiders head job. I think they speaking of the Niners actually hired one of Kyle’s assistants to call the offense.

That Seattle defense was excellent. I suspect they’ll be elite again and we’ll see how Sam Delanor does.”

“You mean Darnold? Sam Darnold?” Nick jumped in pretty quickly to cut you off here.

“Oh yeah,” you say. “That’s my fault, I…nevermind, yeah, just to round it out, I know everyone is gonna be talking about the Rams and for good reason. They have flaws, don’t get me wrong. I hated the Ty Simpson pick, and also, any time you’re dependent on a 38-year old quarterback who had a bad back last summer, your season could easily go up in smoke.

You know me. I don’t do predictions in July, but I think they’re gonna look really dominant at times.”

“Yeah, no, they’re a good team for sure,” says Nick while reaching for another napkin.

“It’s wild,” you say. “It was over a decade ago now, and clearly this is before your time, but these two franchises were out here swapping quarterbacks. When it happened, we had a little more recent success than the Rams in that we at least had seen the playoffs some, but when Nick Foles was traded for Sam Bradford, we hadn’t won a playoff game in six seasons. The Rams hadn’t even made the playoffs in 10 years at the time.

And you know me, Nick, I don’t stay mad about things and use it as motivation or anything.”

The beer is definitely starting to talk now a bit as you try to keep it together.

“Absolutely not,” Nick says, obligingly playing along. “You would never hold a grudge.”

“If you don’t mind, Nick, I want to stop you there for a second,” you say with the volume of your voice going a tad louder than normal. “Because I think this is something society often gets wrong. It’s not a grudge if the offending party or parties don’t take any accountability and apologize. If someone comes at you and just digs their heels in further, you’re not obligated to just forget about it.”

“Yeah, I wasn’t looking at it that introspectively, but that’s fair,:” Nick says.

“Regardless, I had mother fuckers out here trying to tell me that Sam Bradford was a better quarterback than Nick Foles. I get stuff wrong about the Eagles. I could rattle off 10 things I’ve been wrong about right now if you want.”

“I believe you. You don’t have to do that,” says Nick.

“Not liking Darius Slay was a great example,” you say. “And you held me accountable for it, and I appreciate it, and I apologized to him, but to have been wrong on this level, man, that would have kept me up at night, and I’m so happy I was on the right side of history there with Nick [Foles]. Just a massive, massive L for people who weren’t.

Chapter 18: Lemon Tree

Friday, July 24th, 1:49 pm CT

Should we swing it back to the present and run through the roster?” you ask.

“Yeah, let’s hit it,” Nick says.

You’ve got your mind on something else before going deep with thoughts here.

“Hey Summer!” you say, catching her right before she goes past your table.

“Could I get some lemon water please? I can usually handle spice, but these wings are having a workout in my mouth.”

“Yes! Be right back,” she says, barely breaking stride.

“I figured we were bound to go through the roster at some point, and I was gonna offer to write out a 53-man projection on a napkin, but my handwriting honestly sucks so maybe we just talk?”

“I do not need to watch you write that many names on a piece of fabric. You can just talk,” answers Nick. “We can just do position groups.”

“And here is your lemon water,” you hear as the glass hits the table before you get into the quarterbacks.

“You’re the best, thank you, Summer,” you say.

Nick looks at you as if you have two heads while you attempt to squeeze more of the juice from the lemon into the glass.

“The roster,” Nick says, reminding you of what you’re supposed to be discussing.

“Yes, yes,” you say. “I will lock in. I definitely want to talk to you about Jalen more later, but as far as this room goes, Andy Dalton doesn’t do a whole lot for me. I know Tanner [McKee] struggled in the regular season finale. The lack of pocket mobility is real, but if one of them had to play a game that truly mattered, I’d feel better with Tanner. You don’t have to comment on that but…

“I’ll just say that Andy brings a lot of experience to us here,” says Nick.

“Yeah,” you say. “On the complete opposite end of that spectrum, Cole Payton should be fun to watch in the fourth quarter of preseason games. Hopefully looks a little smoother than Kyle McCord last August.

Parks [Frazier] is gonna have an important job as quarterbacks coach. I know Jalen was close with Scot Loeffler.

I think Saquon has one more real good season in him. My thing with him last year was it just felt like empty calories a lot. He ran for 106 yards against the Niners. You could have fooled me. I don’t remember one impactful run that day, but I do expect him to have a strong bounce back, and Tank will complement him well. My expectations are definitely lowered for Will Shipley, but if he could at least be competent on kick returns, I’ll take it.

Here’s where I’m at with wide receiver. I think there will inevitably be a Sunday or two where AJ has a big game up in New England, our passing game struggles, and it’s the main topic the next day. If we limit that to being a discussion point only once or twice, we’re gonna be fine.

DeVonta, my son, I think is gonna have a monster year. I hear people talk about the Jaxon Smith-Njigba level leap. That’s my other guy. I don’t know if the numbers will be as gaudy, but there’s definitely another level he can — and I believe will — go to.

I like the Makai [Lemon] pick. Lemons are already part of my brand. I liked Denzel Boston, who went to the Browns early second round too, but Makai seems like a bright lights player. I know there was all the stuff about how his game doesn’t align with Jalen’s strengths.

This is what I know there. If you are open, Jalen will throw you the ball, and when I watched him at USC, this was a guy, especially against zone schemes, who was open all the time. A lot of impact plays in key moments too.

Some of the other guys brought in like Hollywood [Brown] and Elijah Moore don’t do much for me, but I always liked Dontayvion Wicks in Green Bay. Scored a touchdown against the Cowboys in that playoff beatdown a few years ago. Moment seemed a little too big for Darius Cooper at times last year but we’ll see if he develops more. 

Glad Dallas [Goedert] is back. I know his run blocking may have suffered a bit last year, but Jalen clearly trusts him, and he was a big part of red zone packages, which is an area I thought we were actually really good as an offense. I don’t recall the Packers running a lot of 12 personnel last season, but that also wasn’t Sean’s decision as quarterbacks coach, so maybe that increases here, and Johnny Mundt helps with some of the run blocking and we get Eli Stowers on the field some as a rookie.

I would try to make space for Cam Latu on the team too. I liked what he brought on special teams last year.

Offensive line is the big one. I’d say I trust Landon [Dickerson] more to have a bounce back season than Cam [Jurgens], but hopefully they both do. Some of the young guys there — Drew Kendall, Markel Bell, Micah Morris, I actually like as depth pieces.”

“People were pretty upset about Stout leaving, yeah?” Nick asks. Up until now, Nick had been mostly quiet during this, and him speaking up here is noteworthy.

“Yeah, you don’t have to react to this. I’ll just tell you what I feel and what I sensed from the fanbase. I think people knew that it was a subpar season for the offensive line and running game and could rationalize that maybe it was time for some fresh ideas.

It just seems that in the final month or two with the team as we tried to get things on track that Stout was made to feel small, that it was almost like all of the problems for the offense were being made out to be his fault, and that just wasn’t true.

I’m curious to see how Chris Kuper does taking his place. Kuper was on Vic’s staff when he was the head coach in Denver. I imagine if Vic thought he was bad that he would have said something to Howie. I also think it helps that guys like Lane and Jordan, and even the younger guys like Landon, Cam, and Tyler [Steen] all have multiple years of Stout’s teachings ingrained in them. You don’t forget that all overnight. I just wish the ending would have been better, and I think a lot of people think that.

Going to the defense, I think the edge rusher group is solid. It feels a lot better on paper going into this season than it did last year. I really wanted to have Jaelan Phillips back, but [Jonathan] Greenard is a solid player. I liked the free agent signing of [Arnold] Ebiketie. I think he’ll compliment Nolan and Jalyx well, and I’m half expecting Brandon to just show up at some point.”

“You know that’s not entirely up to me, but I would love that,” says Nick with a laugh.

“For sure,” you say. “And we saw him play some defensive tackle snaps last year, and do it really well, and that’s where I think things get interesting. On paper, it’s an insanely talented group.

Jalen [Carter], Jordan [Davis], Moro [Ojomo]. Uar [Bernard] will be an exciting project to just stash for a year. I think Moro’s really good by the way. I would love to pay him before he hits free agency.

The elephant in the room here is the Jalen Carter contract situation, and I wouldn’t pay him right now. I’d like to pay him at some point, but I think flexibility and information gathering is your — and really Howie’s — friend here.

[Editor’s Note]: In sticking with the July 24th timeline of the column setting, the Eagles and Jalen Carter had not yet agreed to a new contract at this point in time. We are of course aware that it has since happened but have make the editorial decision to keep the dialogue as it was originally written.

Every year there’s been some type of issue. Getting agitated during that 49ers game when the season started to go off the rails in 2023. Being late to meetings early during the Super Bowl year that resulted in the first quarter benching against the Falcons. Spitgate before a play was even run from scrimmage last season.

None of that stuff is legal trouble. I just want you guys to be sure that if you give him $100 million guaranteed, that he’s gonna provide that return on investment.

Now, it’s easy for me to say this right here while we’re eating pizza on a Friday afternoon. A week from now and as the summer goes on, it’s a lot harder for you guys to manage. I actually think between Clint [Hurtt], Jeremiah Washburn, even Vic, they got a tough job with this defensive line this summer.

The talent is inarguable, but you have a lot of folks who are either new like Greenard and Ebiketie or playing for contracts in Jalen, Jalyx, Moro, Nolan. You and your staff need to make sure that they are playing as a unit and not just chasing individual sacks. We face a lot of mobile quarterbacks early on, and we’ll be better if they’re all working together, especially as a new-look offense finds its footing.

You want the last wing as we start to round this out?”

“You take it,” Nick says, pushing the tray back in your direction. “I actually think I had one more than you.”

“Sounds good,” you say. “Yeah, linebackers, listen, I’ll always have a soft spot for Nakobe Dean because he saved that Jaguars game in 2024 when my son had just been born, but I think a little too much was made of him leaving.

I feel bad even saying this, but you watch the Niners go-ahead touchdown, and he’s at fault on that play. He just totally loses CMC coming out of the backfield. That was third down too. We hold them to a field goal, and I think we win the game.

Jihaad Campbell was playing well and will be fine teaming up with Zack [Baun], and then I like some of the depth pieces between Trot Jr. and Smael [Mondon].

Tariq Woolen’s the real deal in terms of cornerback, yeah?” you ask.

“We love him,” says Nick. “He’s gonna make a big impact for us.”

“Then I am really excited about that corner trio,” you say while polishing off the wing and feeling around for your glass of water without breaking eye contact.

“Some of depth behind the starters I think is horrible. I don’t trust Kelee. I don’t trust Jakorian Bennett. I didn’t think Mac McWilliams showed much development last season. Maybe Jonathan Jones will be something, but if Quinyon, Cooper, and Tariq are on the field together, then I feel great.

Before we get to safety, if Tariq is as good as you say and think, I’d love to see Howie deviate from his recent ‘no in-season extensions’ policy. Between him, Moro, maybe even Nolan, I think we should be open-minded to it at least.

No one’s gonna look you in the eye with a straight face and tell you the starting safeties are great on paper, but I’ve always been a big Marcus Epps fan.

The thing with Eppsy is he just doesn’t take the ball away. Hasn’t had an interception since 2021, but between his general consistency and Mukuba’s nose for the ball, I think they complement each other well.

Specialists, we gotta get the long snapper situation figured out, especially so him and Braden can get timing down, but I’m not gonna lose sleep over that right now. I just really hope it clicks for Jake again. I can’t even pinpoint what he’s doing wrong the past two years at times. I just think he’s kicked a lot of footballs. I hope he gets it back, even if just for a season or two. He’s made some of the biggest field goals in franchise history. I wouldn’t be telling the truth if I said I felt great about it, but he usually starts seasons pretty well, so hopefully that’s the case and it allows him to build back some confidence.

Then one last thing, hopefully we can find a spot for my guy Brit [Britain Covey] as the punt returner. I’ll start doing roster math as we get closer to the end of August but I always feel better about things with him back there.

Chapter 19: Love Hurts

Friday, July 24th, 2:14 pm CT

I think it’s a good roster, Nick. Better than I thought it would be when last season ended. I feel icky saying this because he’s accomplished so much, and you guys have achieved so much together, but I think a lot just comes down to how well Jalen takes to this new offense.

I’m not concerned about losing AJ. I think in a lot of ways he’s a declining player or will be very soon, but objectively, this will be the most question marks about the skill position group since Jalen’s first year as a full-time starter in 2021.”

“Yeah, shoot,” Nick says. “I think we have the best fans in the world, but are there people who don’t like Jalen after all he’s won? What’s the deal there?”

You wanted to cover some of this but were not totally prepared for it to go in this direction.

“Summer, whenever you have a chance, more water and another lemon please,” you say from a few tables down.

She slides over, pours the water, drops a lemon in, offers a quick “Here you go,” and makes a beeline for the kitchen before you’re able to say thank you.

“I don’t want to claim to speak for people because I don’t, but if you’re asking me, I think a majority of the fanbase likes Jalen.

He doesn’t come off as the most approachable person at times, which I think hurts him — no pun intended — during times of uneven play, but I think most people appreciate what he does.

I think where friction exists if it does is because maybe this loud minority isn’t a fan of how Jalen plays the position and thinks he’s more of a passenger than a driver — I disagree with that notion by the way — where on the other side you have people who have in turn become so protective of Jalen to an extreme degree.

And then it really becomes a media literacy thing where those groups of protectors, some of them just can’t or won’t process that independent news outlets and radio stations and the like aren’t owned and funded by Jeffrey [Lurie]. It’s not their jobs to do PR for us, for the Eagles.

The idea of ‘All I need Jalen to do is win and make good decisions’ should carry weight, but it’s also not the most intellectually stimulating conversation, nor does it encourage a lot of critical thinking.

Look, I hope Jalen is the quarterback for the next decade.”

“That would be great,” interjects Nick.

“For sure,” you say while throwing back some water and setting your glass down. “But I think we might be asking the wrong question here. It really doesn’t matter what I think, what fans think.

It matters what Jeffrey and Howie think, and you don’t have to respond to this. You can just listen. My gut tells me they might be on different pages here.

I think Jeffrey LOVES Jalen. He’s won him a Super Bowl, nearly and should have won another, takes the team to the playoffs every year, represents the brand well. Basically everything you would want in a franchise quarterback.

I’m not saying Howie doesn’t like him but just reading tea leaves and listening to that end of year press conference, I can see a world where Howie is thinking ‘I’ve got all these guys to pay on defense to try to keep a great unit together. We could draft a quarterback, pay him significantly less than what we’re paying Jalen and what we’d have to pay Jalen with a new contract, and reset on the fly while remaining competitive.’

I think actually following through with that would be a huge mistake, but Howie is paid to think about those possibilities.”

Nick reaches for a napkin while you continue.

“I would feel a lot better about the situation if Jalen realistically had a few years remaining on his contract. I really thought when you hired Sean that this was gonna be a two-year process.”

“Interesting, what makes you think that?” asks Nick.

“There’s not a lot of teams that have won the Super Bowl with a guy who’s calling plays for the first time ever in the NFL,” you answer. “The only recent example I can find going back more than 25 years is Jim Caldwell with the 2012 Ravens, and that was kind of a screwy situation where he took over midseason, and before you say what about Kellen, that’s different. It was Kellen’s first time here, but he had a half decade of experience doing the job elsewhere.

I could be totally wrong,” you say while putting your hand up before continuing.

“My concern is just if things look decent but not amazing, then what happens in the offseason? Jeffrey calls the shots, and I think he would want to give Jalen another extension, but we also know he trusts Howie immensely.

That’s why I just wish the timelines aligned more. It worries me a bit that we’re on two different tracks, but hey, I’ve been wrong before here. This time in 2022, I was trying to keep you in check and telling you to reel it in. I didn’t start the 2024 season with Super Bowl or bust expectations. I just wanted to validate that the franchise was healthy.

I don’t think I’d word it the same this year, but I think first and foremost, we just have to get back to winning a playoff game and then we go from there. I don’t want to get too far ahead, but we do that, and the offense somewhat passes the eye test, and I think a lot of this stuff I’m talking about takes care of itself.

I’m gonna take a break for a second because that was a mouthful, but hopefully it made some sense,” you say while once again reaching for your glass.

Previously folding a napkin, Nick seems incredibly focused as he begins speaking.

“Yeah, I feel like you usually give me some sort of message to take away,” he says. “Like I know two years ago it was ‘Break the cycle,’ in terms of not caring that people weren’t used to a head coach who didn’t call plays. I can’t remember it off the top of my head, but I know you had something last year too. It feels like we’ve been a little bit all over the place today. Do you have anything like that for me?”

You were not anticipating this question.

“That’s a good question, Nick,” you say, using a classic verbal filler as you attempt to form a coherent response while thinking on your feet.

“I actually don’t know if I do, at least not this second. I do have a promise I want you to make me though.”

“What’s that?” Nick asks, seeming surprised at where this conversation is headed.

“I want you to call me the…”

“Wait, what?” Nick asks. “You want me to call you? We’ve been sitting in a pizza place going on four hours now. We’re talking face-to-face.”

“Hold on, you didn’t let me finish,” you say in a reassuring tone. “What I was saying was, I want you to call me the first time things go wrong, the first time adversity hits, and it will inevitably hit at some point. 2022 was the closest thing to a joy ride season I ever experienced for 19.5 games. Bad stuff still happened at points.

Bad stuff will happen. We do this thing where we talk around this time, last year it was a little later in August, and then we go our separate ways, and we don’t communicate for nearly a year. The first time something goes wrong, I want you to call me.

It can be as early as September. Now, it better not be after the first game. You have a reputation of winning the first game. I place a ton of value on it. I don’t want a call on the morning of September 14th. But I’m serious about calling me.

I’m not gonna start making suggestions like do this, don’t do this. It can just help to talk about this stuff. This shit…this shit…this shit…I love it, but it’s not healthy sometimes, man. I was a mess last year during that Cowboys, Bears, Chargers, losing streak stretch. Not sleeping. Not eating. If it did that to me, I can’t imagine what it did to you.

Using that small losing streak as an example may sound spoiled when you think about what teams like the Browns and the Jets have been through, but those are just the expectations, or the standard, as Jalen would say.”

You can see from a distance Summer walking towards your table and decide you’ve made your point clear where you stop talking.

“You got it,” says Nick, reaching out his hand to shake on it. “Yeah, that’s a reasonable promise.”

Chapter 20: Telephone

Friday, July 24th, 2:42 pm CT

“How we doing guys?” asks Summer while clearing the wings plate and refilling waters. “I know you guys have been here for a few hours now. That is not a problem to be clear. You guys are more than welcome to stay, I just want to make sure everything is alright.”

“Everything’s great,” you say. “We will take an order of fries when you have a moment.”

“We will?” Nick asks.

“Sounds good,” Summer says. “The fries do come with a bit of garlic parmesan seasoning. Is that okay with both of you?”

You might not love the idea of parmesan coating typically but decide to go with it in order to get the true experience. You turn your head slightly in the direction of Nick to see if he’s on board here. 

“You know what, sure,” says Nick. “The wings were solid. Sounds good.”

“Great, I will have those out for you shortly,” Summer says. “Anything else to drink for you guys? I’m happy to keep the water coming.”

You both signal that you’re good.

“What are you doing now?” Nick asks while you quickly scroll with your phone placed on the table besides your remaining pizza.

“Oh, I was checking if I was doing numbers on Twitter at all,” you say casually.

“Numbers, do, Twitter? Alright, what does that mean in plain English?” Nick asks.

“I’m seeing if anything I recently tweeted got a lot of traction in the form of people engaging with it. In internet speak, we call that ‘doing numbers.’ Like remember when I showed you last year that the stat I had about you got on McAfee? That’s an example of doing numbers.

Now I always say this. It’s not my goal per se to do numbers. My ambition honestly is to live in the woods one day, not the literal woods, but you get what I’m going for. Peacefulness. That’s not viable at the moment, so sometimes you gotta do numbers to let fuckos know you’re in the house.”

“Got it,” Nick says. His facial expression indicates that he doesn’t have a ton more to offer here.

“I just realized, I never told you about the day of the Packers game last year where the NFL attempted to steal a stat of mine without credit AND messed it up in the process.”

Your voice going up a few decibel levels appeared to briefly catch the attention of a couple neighboring tables, but they quickly return to their pizzas.

“Check this out,” you say while showing Nick your phone.

“It starts off like this. This is the actual stat.

Nick nods as you scroll on your phone.

“Now look what the NFL account did. Check out this bullshit.”

“I get what you’re saying, Nick says. “They took out the part about consecutive weeks.”

“BINGO!” you yell. “Because that is what made it unique. You omit that, and it changes everything. They had lost back-to-back games at Lambeau within that timespan, but the back-to-back weeks was the special part.

So there’s two possibilities in that instance. Either you tried to steal a stat without credit and got it wrong or this was independently done, and your research department is absolutely incompetent.

Because this took me less than 10 minutes to look up. I’m not someone who is generally a real stickler on credit either, but come on, if you’re gonna do that, at least be correct about it.”

“I am so happy that I do not have to deal with this, and that I did not grow up with it,” Nick says. “I think I had already graduated and was an assistant at Mount Union when Facebook first came out.”

You weren’t expecting Nick to take things this direction but are glad he did.

“Oh, I’m with you,” you say. “I’ve made a career out of this, and I hate probably 90% of what it’s done to people now.

I actually think it’s one of the reasons Gen X is probably the most well-adjusted people that we’ve got in the world because they didn’t grow up with this stuff at all and even think about home computers not going mainstream for a while into the 90s. When they entered the workforce, work basically stayed inside an office, so they were able to set some boundaries and have some natural work-life balance.

Then you just go across the board right now, and I know I’m stereotyping some of this, but boomers just refused to learn any of this shit. You’re on the tippy top of older millennials, could easily fit into Gen X as well, but I like that you technically qualify as a millennial.

Now millennials my age, a lot of us were either in school during or graduated into the 2008 financial crisis and just got incredibly spooked. We were sold the ‘Get good grades, go to college,’ mantra and soon realized that the system that was supposed to have our backs wasn’t actually gonna have our backs. Now Gen Z, they just don’t give a fuck, and I mean that as a compliment. I think they’ve made some legitimate progress in taking back some of that power that millennials were too scared to do, but I’m telling you in my experience, some of the most pleasant, well-adjusted people, especially managers in a work setting are Gen X moms with teenage kids. They just get it.

And I think a lot of that comes back to how and when technology infiltrated their lives. They know how to use all this stuff, but it doesn’t use them. It doesn’t control them.”

You look down at your phone and quickly flip the screen away before picking it up in your hand to have a visual aid for your point.

“If it wasn’t for this piece of metal, I wouldn’t eat, and at the same time, I often think we would be better off if we went back to the 90s in the form of if you went out back then, you were OUT.

You could focus on whatever you wanted to accomplish, and no one could ask for your time nor attention. Now you can have one million different things going on, and people for better or for worse don’t care. We as humans weren’t conditioned to be accessible 247, to have thousands of mental tabs running consistently in our heads.

Despite what I just said, I’m definitely more pro than anti-technology. Some of it just overwhelms me at times, but I get it. I love that you’re using ChatGPT by the way.”

Nick looks up at you, indicating he’s unsure how you know that.

“I read what’s written about you,” you say with a smirk. “I know things. Hey man, listen, between you and me, and I’m talking softly here so other tables don’t hear me, I use ChatGPT for some pretty weird stuff. I got a feeling a lot of folks do.”

“Do I want to know the details of this?” asks Nick, sounding concerned.

“I’m convinced people use it for way stranger stuff than this,” you say.

“Alright, go ahead,” Nick says, half-reluctant, half scared.

“So one of my big fears in life,” you say while habitually biting one of your nails. “One of my big fears is colon cancer.”

The facial expression on Nick’s face appears to be one of deep shock as his eyes jump out. He was not expecting you to go here.

You put a finger up in the air to indicate that you have another point here.

“I just feel like I read a ton about it in the media. Now my doctor has told me I’m fine. That I don’t have it, don’t need to worry about it, no concerning signs, all that stuff. But I, one, don’t always trust the medical system and two, am someone who needs reassurance and validation. I can be self-aware enough to admit that. 

So I’ll let you use your imagination. Once in a while, I’ll ask ChatGPT for a second opinion. 

I’m talking softly knowing other tables are eating, but I don’t have anything to hide. I’m not ashamed that I occasionally do it. Everyone goes to the bathroom. That’s honestly a great equalizer in life. Todd Bowles, Andy Reid, Kyle Shanahan, all of those guys either have or will go to the bathroom at some point today, and sometimes embracing that mindset can reduce stress and put things in perspective, and we deal with a ton of stress doing this.”

You see a fresh, white glass plate hit the table out of the corner of your eye following a drink from your water.

“Here are your fries, gentlemen,” Summer says. “I was actually going to bring these over a minute earlier but you seemed particularly passionate about whatever you were talking about judging from the facial expressions and hand gestures.”

She understandably looked at you for this final remark. “Everything else good?” she asks.

“All good, thank you, Summer,” you say as she walks away.

Nick is either unbothered by what you shared or simply wants to blow past it and move on.

“Dude, we have so much food,” Nick says while taking a single fry. “You still have half of your pizza left.”

Nick also has a couple wedges that have gone untouched for a while.

“I had to get the 14-incher,” you say. “You spend a couple days here, and the deep dish leftovers can really pile up.”

“I can see that now,” Nick says.

“Chicago,” you respond with a smile.

“You really love this city, huh?” Nick asks.

“Yeah, I really do,” you say.

“Out of curiosity, can I ask what the connection is?” asks Nick.

“You absolutely can. I don’t know if I’m gonna give you a great answer, but it’s my answer. I came out here for a buddy’s wedding about two months after I had graduated college. It was right around this time on the calendar actually. I haven’t talked to the guy in years, but it was a friend I knew from Twitter before the platform a decade later would become more toxic. Really nice of him to invite me and one of my best friends out, and the first few months after college I think — and I’ve even told students before who will occasionally ask me for advice, which just sounds ridiculous that they’re asking me — are really rough.

You have no idea what you’re doing. Nothing’s going right. Everything’s a mess. I think I just unintentionally intentionally quoted Avril Lavigne there, but it’s a tough adjustment, and I was out here for a few days, and I just really took to the city, and from there, it kind of became a barometer for my overall mood and state of happiness.”

Nick appears to be listening intently so you continue.

“Sorta like, if you can’t be happy in your favorite city in the world, then you need to change something.

So I was out here for a work trip in 2018, less than three months removed from when we won our first Super Bowl, but once the high of that faded, I was really stressed out at the time, and while I was here, I wasn’t happy, and that was a sign to me that I had to do something about it.

Came back out in 2022 for the game. It’s freezing, and I do not give a fuck because I’m watching my favorite football team improve its record to 13–1 in my favorite city, and you better believe I had deep dish all three nights I was here.

There’s something about midwest people that I really like too. I like the west coast, but it can be a little too laid back for me at times. New York…I love the energy of New York City and its soul, but it has a massive superiority complex. People are convinced that life revolves around a 944 million square foot island, and I got news for you, it doesn’t.

There is an entire world outside of it. Folks here, there’s more of a down-to-Earth feel. Chicago as a city wasn’t born on third base while going around acting like it hit a triple. It has a salt of the Earth nature to it, and I love that.

You’ve got New York City quality food. West coast level scenery and sculpture in The Bean, The Sears Tower, and then you combine Philadelphia and Boston’s grit, blue-collar nature, and sports culture.

Mix that all together, and what did Jeffrey say during the trophy presentation after we beat the Commanders to go to the Super Bowl? ‘It’s a pretty strong cocktail? I like that cocktail.’

Yeah, that’s a beautiful combination right there.”

“So how do you feel now?” Nick asks.

“What do you mean? Are you asking about…”

Nick jumps back in before you can continue here.

“You’re in Chicago. You said yourself it’s a good gut check of things. How do you feel?”

“I feel alright,” you say. “There’s a lot going on. I have moments where I feel like everything is spinning out of control, but I’ve told you before, I love this time of year.

The nerves haven’t fully set in. I mean, I’ve been studying the Commanders since the schedule came out, but we’re not in game week. We’re not in the trenches of the season.

Yeah, I feel alright. More good than bad.”

You’re a little unsure if you’re asking or telling this to Nick but are overall satisfied with your answer.

Chapter 21: The Heart of the Matter 

Friday, July 24th, 3:03 pm CT

“So you excited about Matt,” Nick asks while taking a few additional fries.

He doesn’t need to use a last name for you to know who he’s talking about.

“I am,” you say. “I always liked Matt at Iowa State even before you entered the picture and there was the connection there. I knew you guys were teammates at Mount Union. I always forget that you were roommates too.”

“Yeah, Matt’s a great guy,” Nick says. “I’m really pumped for him.”

“Me too,” you say. “For the first time since they beat Wisconsin on November 30, 2013, Penn State will actually enter a game with a strategic advantage from a coaching standpoint.

I think it’s gonna take a little time with Matt. He’s gotta get every player who was recruited under James Franklin out of here. Gotta get that stink off, and that will take a few years to complete, but I’m excited to watch guys actually be coached again and not just trying to win games on talent alone.

I know it’s probably uncomfortable for you to listen to me rip another football coach in front of you. I actually want to show you something.”

Chapter 22: Livin’ On a Prayer

Friday, July 24th, 3:08 pm CT

You grab your phone, water, a couple of fries, and pick up your chair, moving it to a perpendicular position from Nick as opposed to directly across.

“I’m gonna sit here so I have a better angle for this. Here, relax, eat the fries, let me cook for a bit.”

“SUMMER!” yells Nick at the loudest volume he’s been at all day. She appears a few seconds later. “Can you just hang here for a minute? I’m afraid as to what he’s going to show me, and I need a witness.”

“Hey Grace!” shouts Summer. Grace appears to be another server, you would guess a half decade or more older than Summer, likely early 30s. She turns in Summer’s direction.

“Would you mind covering my other tables for a bit?” Summer asks. “I’ll get you when you’re on break.”

“You got it,” Grace says. “Whatever these guys want you to watch sounds interesting, so good luck.”

“Oh, these are my fucking people,” Summer says, pointing at you and Nick. “They don’t even want to tell me their names, but we are vibing!”

“Language,” Grace says in a more stern tone before cracking a slight smile.

“Sorry,” whispers Summer. “Thank you.”

“Alright, we ready now?” you ask while holding out your phone. Summer stands slightly behind Nick where both of them can see what’s on your screen.

“This is the ending to the Duke-UConn Elite Game. I’ve seen this,” says Nick. “It was insane. Everyone’s seen this.”

“Oh my god, I remember this too!” says Summer. “I was working during this. One woman was so excited she spilled half her beer on me and the rest on the floor. We gave her another beer for free.”

“That’s all great,” you say. “But you two aren’t looking at it from the same perspective as me. He knows this already, but quick context, for you, Summer. I grew up liking Duke basketball some in the 90s and 2000s. My wife went to UConn, so I’ve been converted here.”

“Got it,” Summer says.

“Now we’re gonna go to the final sequence in a minute, but let’s set the full scene here. Now UConn is no slouch. They’re in the midst of a dynasty, but this UConn team wasn’t quite the powerhouse that the one two years ago was when they went back-to-back.

This Duke team I would call a powerhouse. They had lost two games all season by a combined total of four points. They’re 5.5-point favorites on the spread going into the game. In February, they had beaten Michigan by five and led the entire second half. They had Cameron Boozer who was gonna be a lottery pick.

UConn opens the game with a 2–0 lead. 90 seconds later, Duke goes in front 4–2, and it looks like that first basket of the game will be the only time Duke trails all day. With one minute to go before halftime, the Blue Devils are up by 19 points. At the break, they’re up 15. The Huskies just look totally outmatched.

Now in the second half they chip away at the lead some, but it never fully feels like an actual threat. Cute little rally, adorable attempt, got it within a point or two a couple of times, but Duke’s still in control.

Let’s start the action, and I’m gonna pause my phone a lot so we can break this down frame by frame.

UConn makes their second free throw after missing the first. 72–70 Duke. Ten seconds on the dot. You can see the setup here. Both teams have one timeout. UConn has possession arrow.

Any UConn foul is going to send Duke to the line for a one-and-one situation where if they make both of them, the game is essentially over. If they make the first one, their worst case scenario is overtime. Three of the five players for Duke who are on the floor shoot above 75% from the foul line. The odds are highly in their favor.

Also, mind you, and I think this is an under the radar element, given the time on the clock, Duke does not have to advance the ball past half court. You cannot get called for a 10-second violation here.”

Nick wants you to get to the point

“Yeah, I know I asked this earlier with something else, but are you planning on landing the plane here or are we just gonna do laps in the sky?” he asks.

This elicited a full on laugh from Summer.

“Alright here we go,” you say, while pressing play on your phone.

“Now their lowest free throw percentage shooter of the five players in the game is inbounding the ball. That’s an acceptable decision, but right from the jump, from the get-go, they looked jumpy to me.

You see Cameron Boozer doesn’t get a clean touch, almost loses the ball. If I’m Jon Scheyer, Duke’s coach, I’m using my timeout right there to regroup. He does nothing.

So Boozer recovers, passes it back to not great free throw shooter guy. Not great free throw shooter guy wants it out of his hands like it’s hot potato and passes it to Cameron’s twin brother Cayden. He’s not the star Cameron is but good player.

Shoots 81 percent from the line. Was a perfect 6-for-6 to this point in the game. If he simply stands there, avoids a tie up, and forces UConn into fouling him, he’s likely making both and the game is over.

Seven seconds to go. At this point, Duke’s remaining two players who haven’t touched the ball yet have advanced past half court. No UConn player is within 10 feet of either of them. You can’t even see them in the picture. If Cayden Boozer gets the ball to one of them, they’re likely gonna be able to dribble out the clock and the game is over.

BUT also keep in mind, he doesn’t have to advance the ball, and attempting to may put it in harm’s way. So what’s he gonna do?

He’s gonna put the ball on the ground for one dribble while two UConn players converge down on him. Scheyer, if he senses trouble, can still call timeout. He doesn’t do it, and Boozer is gonna pick up his dribble and try to make the pass and end the game right here. You can see one of the other two Duke players now in the picture in top left. 

Now this UConn player here — the one on the left — Silas Demary, is gonna deflect the ball. Good player, not a star by any means. He had just missed one foul shot where if he makes it it’s a one-point deficit instead of two. Could easily have sulked after that. As you can see, he’s not. Made the second foul shot and now playing defense. In a sport that’s defined by scoring where stuff like this doesn’t show up in a box score, his left hand is gonna deflect Boozer’s attempted pass and send relative calm into utter chaos.

The ball makes contact with the floor with 5.1 seconds remaining.

Now Duke is still in a decent position to win the game. If we had a live win probability graph going over this stretch, my guess is they’re still in the 75% range, but all those controllables we previously talked about — getting fouled, not having to advance the ball, the timeout, they’re all now out the window, and Jon Scheyer is standing there like a…like a….”

“He wants you to say he’s standing there like a smacked lil pussy bitch,” Nick says to Summer. “I’ve known him for six years. Whatever his language is, I speak it fluently.”

“Got it,” says Summer. “Jon Scheyer is standing there like a smacked lil pussy bitch.”

“Boom! Thank you, Summer,” you say.

“I’m gonna skip ahead a bit on purpose. As you can see, UConn gets the ball. Number 11 is gonna catch a pass from his teammate with 3.9 seconds left and set his feet at the 3.6 mark. Number 11’s name is Alex Karaban — the winningest player in UConn history.

His mother made UConn do a second visit with them because she didn’t think the first one focused on academics enough. At one point, I think he was like a triple major of computer science, statistics, and sports management. I’d put his IQ up against any Duke student — basketball scholarship or general student body population, doesn’t matter.

He was actually mentioned in my wedding vows with my wife. I said ‘I promise to love you as much as Da UConn Jackson loves Alex Karaban.’”

“That’s really cute,” interjects Summer.

“Thank you, Summer,” you respond. You consider drawing an Eagles parallel with Karaban and Brandon Graham but are worried Nick will think you’re gonna reveal too much.

“So Karaban, called AK a lot, is the one I want taking the shot in this situation. He’s not gonna carry a team by himself, but he’s forged a career out of making winning plays. 37% shooter from three-point range on the season. He’s a senior. He’s won two championships and was shooting 39% from three in the tournament. The seconds on his career are literally ticking down. If I’m gonna go down, I’ll go down with him taking the shot.”

“But he doesn’t have the shot,” Summer says, pointing towards your phone. “I played basketball in high school. The Duke player is all over him.”

Nick has remained silent throughout this, just taking it in.

“You’re right,” you say. “What’s so wild to me though is it’s one thing to recognize you don’t have the shot. It’s another thing in that moment to do something about it. Like had he simply airballed a three and gone to the podium postgame and said ‘I’m a senior. I thought I had to take the shot,’ I would have been totally fine with that decision and explanation.

But while Jon Scheyer has stood there like a smacked lil pussy bitch, AK has been trained for this moment by Dan Hurley — the best coach in the sport currently. You trust the system. You trust the man next to you. So what’s he gonna do?

I’ll tell you what he’s gonna do. We’re gonna watch what he’s gonna do. He’s gonna pass the ball back to a FUCKING FRESHMAN who is 0-for-4 from three-point range on the day. Number 24, his name is Braylon Mullins. He’s gonna catch the ball and set with 2.4 seconds remaining, and he doesn’t know it yet — or maybe he did — but his life is about to change forever.

Only a 33% three-point shooter compared to AK’s 37%. In the tournament up until this point, he was 4-for-23 from long range — 17%. I tweeted during their Round of 32 game that I thought the moment might be too big for him.”

This brought on a laugh from Nick.

“Now Mullins is gonna release the ball with about 2.1 seconds remaining, but watch number 3 on Duke. This is Isaiah Evans. He was selected early in the second round of the NBA Draft. He’s the closest defender to Mullins. Are his hands up at all?”

“Nope,” Summer says. “They are not,” chimes in Nick.

“Correct,” you say. “Remember, Mullins hasn’t hit from three all day. He lets the ball go. Tosses up essentially a prayer.

Nothing but net.

And with three tenths of a second remaining, UConn has the lead for the first time since the second minute of the game.

“Whoa!” says Summer. “Like I remember it, but like I said I was working, so I don’t know if I appreciated just how crazy it was until now.”

“Oh yeah, I watched this one with my family,” Nick says. “Bill Raftery described it perfectly when he said ‘utterly impossible.’

“Totally,” you say. “Except it happened, and here’s the thing. If Mullins misses the shot, Duke probably has a good laugh about it and goes on business as usual.

9.7 seconds is all it took for a million lives to be impacted, and a massive butterfly effect to occur. Think about it, check this out. Mullins is now a hero in Connecticut. Even though UConn didn’t win the title, kids everywhere are still reenacting his shot. I’m probably biased, but I think it’s THE moment of the tournament, hands down. Maybe the moment of the past five tournaments.

If Duke wins the game, I think they steamroll Illinois in the Final Four and beat Michigan in the National Championship Game. They matched up really well against the Wolverines and as I mentioned had taken them down earlier.

But now a Duke team that ended the season with the fewest losses since the 1998–1999 season — where it fittingly lost to UConn in the title game — is remembered for an all-time collapse. Michigan goes on to have a better path through the bracket and takes home a title.

Dan Hurley goes to his third Final Four in four seasons and is lauded for an epic comeback.

I actually asked my wife after the game, I said ‘How many times are Dan and Andrea [his wife] fucking tonight? Over/under 3.5? Andrea’s the best — low key the most powerful person in college basketball. 

And at first she was like ‘Come on. Really?’ I pushed and said it has to be over. She said ‘Under. He’s old.’ 

I adjusted the number slightly and said ‘Has to be over 2.5 though, right?’ She agreed with that over. 

“I also agree. I got over 2.5,” says Nick. “Same,” says Summer a second later. 

Anyway, Jon Scheyer is now the James Franklin of college basketball.

Karaban. Mullins. Duke. Michigan. Hurley. Scheyer. I just mentioned six things, and none of them happen if Duke executes some basic concepts that you learn in seventh grade. We’re not talking about rocket science.

Breaking a press, knowing time situations, not putting the ball in danger when you don’t have to, putting your hands up on defense. That last one is Day 1 elementary school stuff.

If Duke does even one of those things properly, we never get this beautiful, chaotic, off-the-rails moment. But they left the door open a crack, and the more prepared team kicked it down.

I’m not even gonna play the final part. We know how it goes. Scheyer uses his timeout, which is now essentially meaningless. Duke heaves a desperation inbound pass about three-quarters the length of the court, AK volleyball’s it away, and the rest —as they would say back in the day —is history. 73–72, UConn.”

“Wait, wait, hold on, one question,” Nick says. “How do you know which team was more prepared? Isn’t that a little presumptuous?”

Nick may have a point, but you’re confident enough in your conviction to double down here.

“I guarantee,” you say. “I guarantee that if you had a camera secretly filming the practice sessions of both teams throughout the season that UConn worked on that exact scenario more than Duke.

If I’m wrong. I’ll go jump in the Chicago River. That’s how sure I am because I know how Hurley coaches, and in the case of Duke, no team who was properly prepared makes those series of errors in succession.”

“Whoa!” exclaims Summer. “That is some major confidence right there. Am I good to go?” she asks while reaching for a pitcher and filling up your glasses of water.

‘Yes, you’re good,” Nick confirms. “Glad you enjoyed, Summer.”

With Summer out of earshot, you go back to addressing your point with Nick.

“I felt kinda bad for Cayden. He just turned 19 a few days ago. Kids make mistakes, and Jon Scheyer, listen, he was a good player at Duke. Leading scorer on a championship team, but coaching is a different breed, and I always believe that with everything on the line, athletes will rise or fall to the level of their training.

Chapter 23: Money for Nothing

Friday, July 24th, 3:34 pm CT

I know this too, Nick. I like that I can address you by name again. Don’t worry. I was careful while Summer was here.

If Coach K is patrolling the bench of that Duke team, that doesn’t happen. I’m sure of if. He would have had them ready to handle it, and if needed he would have taken control of the situation in the moment.

But some people will refuse to acknowledge a lot of the above, and I think it’s one of the things plaguing modern sports, Nick, especially college sports and sports media, and I don’t want it to make its way to pro sports. I call it the RLR’ification of sports. Or the Bauerification of sports. You can take your pick. It doesn’t really matter what you call it. 

Where basically people have deluded themselves into thinking that the only thing that matters is who spends the most money on their roster, on facilities, on foosball tables in the lounge.

I’m all for the athletes getting paid in terms of the NIL stuff. If you possess a rare skill that the market values, then by all means get your bread.

But it shouldn’t and can’t come with the idea that coaching is rendered irrelevant and given a free pass.

Championships will never be decided in a boardroom or based upon who offers the best endorsement deals or free cars, Nick. That’s not how we beat the Chiefs in Super Bowl 59. Jeffrey’s very generous with the signing bonuses and guaranteed money he includes in deals, and it certainly helps, but that isn’t the main driver behind two Lombardi trophies over the past decade.

Money can buy you a lot of things. It might get you to the Elite Eight. In the case of James Franklin who we were talking about earlier, it might get you to the Semifinals.

But shiny facilities and bubble hockey tables don’t prepare you for crucible, gotta-have-it-or-else moments. You have to earn those, and you earn those by developing your talent to shine and not wilt in those moments. 

Your teams, our teams, have generally been prepared to answer the bell there. Last year against San Francisco on that final drive we weren’t, but I trust the half decade trends that show we generally are buttoned up from a game situation standpoint.” 

You pause and reach for your water while searching for a few remaining french fries that aren’t too crispy.

“I appreciate you letting me go for so long there,” you say.

“I know this is a passionate topic for you,” Nick says. “It’s still ridiculous to me that people who you barely know or don’t know at all got so angry at you about your opinion of a college football coach.”

“I appreciate that, Nick,” you say. “To be clear though, that’s not why I introduced this whole analogy and walked through the play in that level of detail though.

The point is don’t ever let someone say your job doesn’t matter — that coaching doesn’t matter. I actually think you’re gonna matter extra early on as we get things started.

I said it’s manageable, and I believe it, but we have a screwy schedule early. Here on Monday Night Week 3. Short week in what may be our hardest game on paper against the Rams. Off to London a few days later. No bye immediately after London with a playoff team last year in Carolina coming in, and then three straight NFC East games before the bye.

Some of the stuff like messaging, setting the practice schedule, deciding how hard to push or not push throughout camp — all that stuff is going to be super important. We talked about AJ earlier. Look at what the coaching change from Jerod Mayo to Vrabel did for the Pats, and we don’t have time to get into all of the Russini stuff right now, obviously that situation is wild, but never diminish the significance of the head coach.” 

“Don’t worry,” says Nick, sounding reassuring and serious here. “I’ve got you. The journey was long there, but I get what you’re going for.”

As you smile and nod, your mind wanders to one of the final scenes of your favorite show.

“I didn’t get to mention this earlier, Nick, but do you know why I talked about The Bear so much?”

“I have a feeling you’re about to tell me,” he says, anticipating you have more to say.

“The beauty of The Bear, and the reason why I went through that exercise comparing characters to players and coaches is that if you really dig into it, they had no business accomplishing what they end up accomplishing.

[Editor’s Note}: The next two paragraphs contains some mild Season 5 spoilers of The Bear. If you are intent on watching and have not yet, you can safely skip them while still experiencing the ethos of the column. 

They transformed a cash-strapped neighborhood sandwich shop into a two-Michelin-star restaurant, and outside of Carmy and Syd, barely anyone had actual fine dining experience.

But despite the individual baggage that those two brought along with everything else in that chaotic ecosystem, everyone was able to come together to accomplish an incredible goal.

There’s a scene in the second season that I think is my favorite moment in the entire show. Basically the restaurant has to pass a fire suppression test. They’ve already failed twice, and now it’s really do or die. If they don’t pass here, they’re not gonna be able to open in time, and everything gets thrown off.

And as the Fire Safety Inspector is conducting the test in the form of a countdown, the camera goes down the line individually and you feel how much each person has riding on this very moment — past trauma, future motivations and goals, all of it coming to roost in the next 10 seconds.

I full on burst out into tears when the balloon doesn’t leak, and I know, I know, people are gonna say it’s just a TV show. Fuck that because when they win, we win.

And that’s really football in a nutshell. You bring everyone together from all different backgrounds and experiences who fight through individual demons to reach a shared goal.

We got two stars already. You along with everyone else a couple years ago got us one of them, and I know Jalen’s very private, I’ve never spoken to him, but I would say the same thing to him, to anyone else who’s a part of this, but I’m saying it to you, Nick.”

You reach for your water before continuing while beginning to pound the table.

“I want a third star, and I need you to take us there again.

I’m not saying it has to be this year, but we both know a third star is the long-term expectation, and I need you to fucking take us there.”

“Man, you are on one today with the metaphors,” says Nick with a grin on his face.

“Well I got one more for you,” you say. “Always live your life on the table. We got a table in our living room, right? Only a few feet up on the ground. Not too high or anything. When my son was 9 or 10 months old, I put him on the table one Saturday morning. Just had him sit there for a minute with me holding him so he wouldn’t fall.

He didn’t like it, started crying. Probably was freaked out by the height. Understandably so.

Now fast-forward a year. He loves the table. He embraces the table. He asks to go on the table He wants to go on the table. The more you put yourself on the table, the more comfortable you become in life with being on the table.”

“That one I can identify really well with,” Nick says while also peering at his phone.

“Good,” you say.

“I think that’s probably a good spot for us to wrap on,” Nick says. “I just got a couple texts. I gotta get back for a few meetings tomorrow. I’m gonna make a quick phone call and go to the bathroom. Why don’t you ask Summer for the check, give her my card, leave a nice tip, like beyond the standard amount. I don’t care what it is as long as it’s generous, and have them box up this pizza. You can take mine.”

“Heard,” you say. “Let’s do it.”

Chapter 24: The Great Escape

Friday, July 24th, 3:52 pm CT

Summer approaches your table a couple minutes later while you scroll through your phone notifications. About half of them appear to still be LeBron-related, even more than five hours removed from the signing.

“Everything good with your friend?” she asks.

“Oh yeah, he’s good,” you say. “We will take the check whenever you have a moment.”

Summer reaches inside her waist apron and pulls out a piece of paper. “I had a feeling that was coming,” she says while placing it on the table.

“Thank you guys so much for dining with us. I’m gonna go check on a few of my other guests and when I come back, I’ll get these pizzas in boxes for you too.”

You nod while taking a quick look at the itemized breakdown which comes out to a total of $118.12 and slide Nick’s card into the check presenter.

Summer silently grabs it off the edge of the table and indicates she’ll be right back.

She returns a minute later after running the card with a receipt and two white, cardboard boxes. As she positions the pizzas in their respective boxes, you write out $90 in the tip section and sign the paper.

“It was great having you guys,” she says. I thought you guys were gonna hit the six hour mark. Two of the most dedicated customer I’ve seen come through here.”

You decide you’re better off not telling her that Nick was pretty skeptical at first.

“You did a great job putting up with all of our antics,” you say back. “Truly incredible service. We appreciate it.”

“Hey,” says Summer. “You can’t be great without the greatness of others, am I right?”

Chapter 25: 9 to 5

Friday, July 24th, 4:01 pm CT

You catch a wink out of her right eye as she seals the pizza boxes and begins walking away.

“SUMMER!” you yell loud enough where multiple people turn their heads to see what’s going on.

She scurries back to the table with a look that suggests she’s one step ahead of you.

“What do you know?” you whisper, trying to balance out the yell from a few seconds ago.

“Everything,” she says. “Actually that’s exaggerating a bit. I don’t know who you are…”

“That’s okay,” you nervously say back.

“But dude, I knew that was Nick Sirianni pretty much the entire time.”

You don’t have a mirror to see yourself but are pretty sure your jaw is hanging open.

“I just…I….how…”

“I grew up in Philadelphia,” says Summer. “I’m a huge Birds fan. The face looked familiar to me, and then when I got back to the kitchen I quickly Google’d an image and was like yeah, that’s definitely him, and I thought about saying something, but when I came back out to take your orders, you guys seemed like you were trying to keep it under wraps, so I just played it cool.”

You remove your hat and briefly run your hands over your hair, unsure how to react.

“This is just wild,” you say. “I…”

“Here, quiz me,” says Summer. “Give me a trivia question to answer.”

“I believe you, Summer,” you say. “We don’t gatekeep Eagles fandom. I’m just in shock that our server was a fan this entire time.”

“No but seriously, give me a question,” pushes Summer. “I don’t get to talk to a lot of Eagles fans out here. Let’s hear it.”

You run through your brain trying to think of something on the spot.

“Alright, what four Eagles scored touchdowns in Super Bowl 59?”

“Alright, that’s way too easy,” she says. “Jalen, Cooper DeJean, AJ, DeVonta, in that order. Give me something more difficult.”

Nick has not returned yet, so you’re on your own here.

“Who scored the first touchdown of the year for the 2017 Eagles during their season opener in Washington?”

“Agholor,” says Summer within two seconds. “One more.”

“What team did Nick get his first win against?”

“Alright, that’s a tough one,” she says. I think if I remember that season it’s an NFC South team, and I know it’s not Tampa because we had trouble against them, I…I’m gonna say Atlanta.”

“Three for three,” you say with a nod acknowledgment. “That was impressive.”

“Good questions overall,” she says. “You definitely answered the call to make them tougher.”

“So how’d you end up out here anyway?” you ask. “Also, if I’m holding you up from tables, don’t feel like you need to actually answer that.”

“No, no, it’s cool,” Summer says. “I graduated from The University of Chicago last year. Job market’s been tough, so you know, working here to pay some bills and all, but I did already request off for that Monday Night when we’re here. I’ll be at Soldier Field.”

“Good for you,” you say. “That’s cool.”

“Yeah,” says Summer. “Sometimes I get a little hesitant sharing this stuff. Like, people sometimes don’t think highly of restaurant workers and I’m worried they’re gonna think like ‘Oh, if she graduated over a year ago, why is she doing…’”

“Hey,” you say. “Fuck that. Fuck those people.”

This caught her off guard slightly.

“Listen, that initial time after college can be rough. It’s a massive adjustment and then like you said, you’ve got people saying ‘You’ve been out of school this long, why aren’t you…’ Those people can suck my fucking pussy. You’re working, and this is a hard job. Hell, you had to put up with me and Nick for half the day.

Is this what you’re gonna do forever? It doesn’t sound like it, but do not be ashamed of what you’re doing now.”

Summer replies with “I appreciate you saying that.

Do you have any advice for me? You sound like you have things together.”

This got a laugh out of you and a facial expression that if it could talk would say ‘jesus fucking christ.’

“I promise you that I absolutely do not have — to quote you — ‘things together.’”

“Oh, well, I’m sorry for assuming that,” she says. “You just…and I promise, I wasn’t eavesdropping, I have no idea what you guys talked about, but any time I heard you, you sounded incredibly confident and knowledgeable.”

“Yeah, thank you,” you say. “I think I sounded like that because I was talking about something I’m an expert in. I know the Philadelphia Eagles like I know the back of my hand. I have forgotten more about this football team than some people will ever know.

Actually, that’s a lie. I don’t know why I said that. I’ve barely forgotten anything about this football team in the 30+ years that I can remember following them.

The truth, Summer, the truth is most of us don’t know what we’re doing. There are a few who do, but the majority of us are just trying to figure it out every day. I have a child, and I have no idea what I’m doing.”

You hold your phone up for a few seconds in her direction.

“Cute kid,” she says.

“Thank you,” you answer. “Yeah, some folks are just better and sound more confident at pretending they know what they’re doing than others.”

You notice that Nick has returned and quietly slides back into his seat at the table.

“Advice? If I’m being really honest with you, a lot of this shit sucks. Being an adult is overwhelming. A lot of us feel like we did everything we were supposed to do and were let down by a system that doesn’t hold up in this economy. I don’t want to be presumptuous and tell you how to feel, but I imagine you may agree with some of that.”

She nods and you continue as Nick sits there listening.

“For all the stuff that sucks though, there’s fun stuff too. You’re gonna have hobbies. At some point, you’re gonna go to a Super Bowl that the Eagles play in. You seem friendly where I’d assume you’re not a loser and have friends. Some of those friends are gonna get married where you’re gonna travel to bachelorette parties and weddings. At the same time, some people who are your friends now might not be your friends in another decade, and that’s okay. You’ll also make new friends.

The best thing I can say is create a circle. Surround yourself with people who are going to gas you up because you know who’s not gonna gas you up, Summer? The outside world.

It’s gonna attempt to beat you down every which way. You’re gonna feel betrayed at times, like someone who you thought would have your back doesn’t. People who don’t even know you are gonna say mean things about you, try to assassinate your character, call you a disgusting person.

And you’re gonna summon the will to fight back, throw some punches, and tell those people to go fuck themselves.

There have been so many moments where I felt like my career was over, that my livelihood was over, and every single time, it wasn’t.

And then, there was one time probably a half decade ago where I thought that I really made it, that I had arrived.

Then a few short months after — June 2022, and I’ll spare you full details here but — life punched me right in the fucking face. Just clocked me when I wasn’t looking.”

“I really thought you were gonna say life punched you in the pussy,” says Summer.

“Not that predictable, Summer,” you say. “Give me a little more credit than that.

That stuff stays with you too, but once you get past that initial painful right hook, those will be some of the times where you’re the strongest version of yourself because you have no other option than to be that.

It may not feel like it at times, but the world likes people who have been through some adversity. I haven’t been responsible for hiring someone in more than five years, and a cynic might say this belief system is the reason why, but if I’m interviewing someone, I’m not super interested in the person with the perfect resume.

I want someone who’s seen some shit, who can tell a story about how they made it to the other side and are still using it as motivation.

Knowing very little about who you are and what your goals are, that would be my advice to you, Summer, and I can say with confidence from watching you go about things today that I think you’re gonna be totally fine.”

Chapter 26: Throw Your Arms Around Me

Friday, July 24th, 4:09 pm CT

You take a drink of what remains in your glass and pray that someone else begins speaking.

“I have no idea what I walked back to, but it sounds like you finally landed the plane,” says Nick with a smile. 

“I agree,” Summer says while briefly wiping one of her eyes. “Even if you didn’t believe that you were qualified to answer the question, I feel like you put a lot of effort into it. Thank you.”

“It’s fitting,” you say. “A couple weeks before that June 2022 moment I referenced, I spoke to a bunch of high school students for some career day thing, and I was asked to do it at the last minute, and I didn’t have a formal presentation or anything, and if I felt like I was getting stuck or losing my train of thought, I…honestly I did some Nick Sirianni level pandering

Oh by the way, Nick, she knows.”

Nick whips his head around and makes eye contact with you.

“And before you get upset with me, she’s known the entire time. Grew up in Philadelphia. Massive Eagles fan. Knows her stuff.”

Summer nods at Nick and slightly shrugs her shoulders as you continue.

“It was a school in New York, and the Yankees were in the midst of a double-digit winning streak, and I remember saying to multiple classes ‘If you don’t want to ask me any questions about my job, I can talk to you about baseball. I’m a Phillies fan, but I watch the Yankees too.’

I think the kids enjoyed it overall, but you know, after that, I’ve been hardened by some shit in life, where I’ve refused to do it since.

I’m not a good liar, and basically what I’d want to say is:

‘Don’t be a smacked lil pussy bitch,’ and understandably, no teacher is going to want that said in their classroom. 

So thank you, Summer,” you say. “You afforded me an opportunity to say what I’ve wanted to say for four years.”

Summer nods once again while Nick says “I cannot believe you knew.”

“Go win another ring,” she says while extending her right hand in the direction of Nick.

Nick shakes it with his hand and nods back towards her. 

“I would not normally do this, but can I get a picture with you guys?” Summer asks.

“I think that’s more than fair, Nick,” you say. “She tolerated us for a long time.”

“Yeah, I agree,” Nick says. “Shit, at least we never called you Summer The Server.”

You slide your phone in your pocket, stand up, and hand Nick back his credit card.

“Hey Grace!” shouts Summer. “Can you take a quick picture of the three of us? Passcode is 4022.”

Grace readies the phone as you, Nick, and Summer stand together by the table and link arms.

Following a few photos, Grace hands the phone back to Summer who indicates that they look good.

“”It was very nice meeting you,” says Nick.

“Go Birds!” yells Summer while tucking the signed receipt into her apron and watching you and Nick inch closer for the exit.

The fresh Chicago air hits like crack as you hear the sound of weekend rush hour traffic motoring down Michigan Avenue. You’ve never done crack and don’t plan to but are confident in this comparison as you momentarily remove your hat and allow the wind to hit your hair.

“What you said to Summer. That was very nice,” says Nick.

“In another decade or two, she’ll pay it forward and say it to someone in her position now, and that’s how you break patterns and build new ones.”

“You good?” Nick asks. “You have plans for getting back home?”

“Oh yeah, I got like a 9 pm flight. I’ll head to O’Hare in an hour or two. You good?”

“All good,” Nick says. “Dom’s a minute or two away, picking me up around the corner on Lake Street. Before I realized Summer knew everything, I asked him to be discreet so we didn’t draw attention to ourselves.

What a small world.”

“So damn small,” you marvel. “Now let’s have a season.”

To native Chicagoans, Big Dom blends in. You, on the other hand, can sense his presence and realize his car is waiting for Nick a block away.

Nick offers up a goodbye bro hug and you briefly put the two pizza boxes on the ground to oblige.

After a few seconds as the embrace naturally nears its endpoint and a stoppage in traffic makes it easier to communicate, you whisper to Nick:

“Keep going.”

——————————————————————————————

Thank you so much once again for choosing to dine with us 💚🍕

If you had even half as much fun reading the 2026 edition of the column as I did writing it, then I did my job. 

My Venmo handle is @ Drew-Balis for any tips. Your continued readership and support means the absolute world to me, and I would greatly appreciate if you shared the link so others can enjoy the column as well. 

See you next summer for Year 14! 🦅