It’s the end of the summer. Not really. Feels like the dog days of the summer are now going to hit a lot earlier with the World Cup ending Sunday. But, congratulations Philadelphia, we’ve put on a good show for the MLB All-Star week. I haven’t been to a live sporting event in over a year, a Reds – Braves game being the last one I’ve attended. But with my back against the wall and a payment plan, I couldn’t miss out on experiencing some sort of All-Star week fun.
So here’s how you can have a blast with $41 and survive getting home after an event like the Home Run Derby.
You’re not going to get to the event by Uber and parking at the stadium will run you at least $1 million. Unfortunately you’re not a celebrity like Shane Gillis, due to the fact you only have $41 to spare, unless you have a severe gambling addiction like Norm Macdonald. A celebrity or family party Sprinter also won’t bring you there. So dig up some of those quarters from your car and inside your couches and hit the subway.
Getting to the stadium for a $2.50 fee without having to spend the $41 you have is a nice feeling. As you walk in, you’ll hear people meekly asking if you have a spare ticket and see someone in a Vlone shirt ironically spreading the word of Jesus Christ and calling you and everyone else a sinner for attending. If I’m going to Hell for watching guys with beer bellies smash balls 500 feet, so be it.
Walking in is easy, just get your ticket scanned. Turns out a recent secret service visit isn’t enough for me to be banned from Citizens Bank Park. Good thing James Dolan doesn’t own the Phillies. Take your seat up in the bleachers with the real fans. Not the TikTok celebrities and rich people in the front row. But the south Philadelphians who decided to pay rent late or used their Christmas bonus on these tickets. The people who worked hard to bring their kids there for the experience and those who saw Kyle Schwarber and Bryce Harper were participating, and thought I can afford this, possibly, I’ll just work hard, take extra shifts.
Before the derby starts you might want food and a drink. That’s heads up thinking right there. Getting up and down in the middle of the event, especially in the bleachers is anti-social behavior and you may end up in a South Philly prison for it. That’s where you run into a friend of yours working in the stadium. He’s ecstatic to see you, you’re also thrilled to see him. You talk for a little while.
At the end he gives you a free Beer. Fantastic, those things cost $20. Don’t ever say their names though, don’t want the corporation to hear that. Next get food, that actually cost $20, and not $16.99. Chicken fingers and fries that don’t exactly taste up to that price level but who cares, you just got free beer.
Sit down and enjoy the first round. Hear the sound of the ball coming off of the bat of Junior Caminero and think to yourself, man if I heard that and I didn’t know what it was, I’d suspect it’d be a different noise. Watch as the children in the outfield drop routine fly balls and get booed by the crowd. This city wouldn’t be unique if it wasn’t booing children for sucking at their job. The South Philadelphia women in front of you will yell “they’re just children!” And then join in on the booing as they realize how awful some of these kids are at catching the ball.
The first round is over, your beer is empty and you’re craving just one more. You have $20 left.
You’re also feeling a little antsy. Maybe you attended this alone. Phone service is spotty. You want to get a better view. Walk down to the 100 level standing areas. Nobody is stopping you from doing whatever you want to do.
As you go to purchase your second beer. Don’t make the mistake I did by seeing the price of a souvenir bat advertised as below $20 only for the visibly annoyed vendor to tell you it’s $33. Also know which beer you want. Quickly just say the first cheap beer that comes to mind, and hope it meets your budget. Fortunately it just barely does. $20.43. Now you’re left with some loose change, but it doesn’t matter you made it.
From here enjoy the view you get to have from the first base side of the 100 level. Highly consider going down and taking a seat when security isn’t paying attention, but then again getting removed would be an awful feeling. So you just enjoy your time with them. High fives and commend them for standing their ground by not allowing people to run back to their seats while an active at-bat is taking place, no matter how rude some of those guys are being. You may also get to see an adorable moment where the guard picks up a kid and gives him a seat that no one was using so he can get a good view during Schwarber’s final round.
You may have been rooting for Jordan Walker to lose so you can celebrate a Phillies player, but to witness him rip six home runs in a row to steal the victory, was truly special. The crowd in Philadelphia may have gone silent and immediately stormed out but not you. You paid for this. You want to immerse yourself and soak in this moment. And hey it’s pretty cool that Jordan Walker won.
Now make your way down to that field level take some bad photos since you’re not a photographer and you’ve had a few beers. But still, you’re there. Watch as Walker accepts the trophy and check for souvenirs but don’t make it too obvious you don’t want to look desperate. Maybe you eyed down a souvenir bat, but the guy who had it came back to his seat and he laughed as he said to you “don’t want to forget this.”
It’s time to go home, but you’re stuck in the lot where the celebrities and retired players are speeding out of and security won’t let you through. You’re next to a guy who tries to shout for Shane Gillis’ attention, and then watch as he points out to his disinterested girlfriend “that’s Shane Gillis” in a blue fluorescent lit party bus leaving and stopping you on your journey home. You only finally get to pass as someone starts to argue with security to stop the vans and let some of us walk by.
As you’re heading home, you once again have to take the subway. But you’re not on the side you entered anymore and you realize you’re walking towards the casino. Hey maybe you’ll get lucky, but not tonight. Instead you ask two medics who think you’re from out of town where’s the broad street line, except they barely know and offer you a ride but you decline. Although I have regrets now that would’ve been fun.
You’ve made it to the Broad Street Line. Congratulations. It’s free tonight, although you are being rushed and a train has arrived, which train is it, local or express, who knows? Ah it’s the express, looks like you got to keep riding but you’re finally heading home. You survived the home run derby with $41 in your pocket. You got to witness a dramatic comeback and a sea of people who paid thousands of dollars for their tickets only to immediately leave when their hometown guy didn’t win. But that’s what’s so great about this city, if we don’t win, we’re going home.
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