The Phillies Vibes Are Fucked.

The Phillies missed the playoffs because their vibes are fucked.

Once again the Phillies have wasted our time and attention. In the midst of their most important games – the Phillies went more than 21 innings without an earned run and then got swept by the Braves. The Phillies needed to win the majority of their final games to beat out the Atlanta Braves for a playoff spot, instead they shit their pants and fell down. 

The Phils surged directly to the top of the mountain and then stumbled backwards down the hill with poop in their pants – eliminating them from the playoffs. Now – the Phillies have meaningless baseball to play in Miami, meanwhile Philly sports fans move on to Ben Simmons drama and the increasingly baffling Eagles.

Am I disappointed by the Phillies? Sure. Did I see this coming? Absolutely. 

What’s unique about the Phillies situation is that everyone knows what’s wrong:

  1. the pitching sucks
  2. the vibes are fucked. 

How do you fix bad pitching? Get better pitchers. Simple! My recommendation is to sign better pitchers or trade for better pitchers. My primary recommendation is to get two guys like Corey Kluber, James Paxton, Robbie Ray, or Marcus Stroman for the starting rotation – as to avoid using relief pitchers for the entire game. This season I attended a game where four pitchers took the mound in the first three innings and another where Ronald Torreyes, an infielder, pitched.  

As for relief pitchers, we need more of them and we need better ones. The Phillies should trade for Seattle Mariners prospect, my best friend, and local talent Scott Boches or get some more established free agents like Brad Hand or Trevor Rosenthal to join Neris in the bullpen. 

The far bigger issue is un-fucking the Phillies vibes. 

Cursed Empty Citizens Bank Park Bathroom – Jason Peters

The largest source of fucked up vibes can be found in the Phillies outfield most nights, his name is Odubel Herrera. When Odubel first joined the Phillies there were problems with his baserunning and then he had a domestic violence dispute in Atlantic City which led to a lengthy suspension from baseball. 

Unfortunately – Herrera had a decent 2021 season both in the field and batting. However, his domestic violence incident looms heavily over every at-bat. Fans chatter about Atlantic City in the stadium and bars across the city. When he gets a hit – muted and begrudging cheers burst out before we remember who we’re cheering for. 

Baseball is like everything else in America, selfish. So – the Phillies have chosen to allow Herrera to play despite his track record because of his damn near .330 career on base percentage. Luckily, the rest of the MLB is just as American and selfish (Blue Jays excluded) – meaning that because of this decent season of domestic abuser baseball, Herrera’s trade value is higher than ever.

Perhaps we can both un-fuck the vibes and trade for pitching by getting rid of Odubel Herrera.

It also fucked the vibes pretty heavily that potential NL MVP Bryce Harper disappeared down the stretch when we needed him most. If it weren’t for the Hindenburg that was Ben Simmons 2020 playoff performance. Harper almost won Philadelphia over, but he too shit his pants at the very end. 

Harper is a weird fit in Philly, he’s a bit of a square and doesn’t possess the social media spice that true stars like Embiid have. Truth be told, I respect Harper – but I don’t love him. I’d love to love Bryce, but the vibes are just a little too fucked right now.

We’ve got some time to forget the Phillies exist between now and Spring Training, luckily due to mismanagement the organization lacks any personality or off season relevance – so they’ll be easy to forget.

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