“Deal of the Week” is an updated take on the horoscope column. One card, bad advice, worse poetry, every Monday.
Flip off your landlord. Stop blaming your ex for your mistakes. See your likeness and smash the mirror anyway. Imagine what it would be like to grow enormous antlers. Better yet, horns. Are they hard and heavy? How much furniture to you break on day one? Get a shitty tattoo. Scream the whole time. Leave a good tip. Flirt with the pharmacist. Get good and slimy—you need a little ooze to squeeze past inertia. Swim with sharks and fly to the moon like hairy moths. Bite something you weren’t meant to. I promise you, someone will notice.