Dear Jared,
I miss you. Philadelphia misses you. I see you’re enjoying your time with Oklahoma City now. I’m happy you got traded to a championship contending team. Then again, it feels like, against my own idiotic predictions, the 76ers could compete for a championship this year too. Unfortunately, the team is owned by Harris-Blitzer Sports & Entertainment, and they’ve sucked the joy out of quality jerseys and would prefer to stay under the luxury tax. Daryl Morey, I forgive you for that lie, that you were selling high on McCain, the Sixers got nothing out of this.
I understand your minutes were inconsistent when you were available, but you worked hard to come back from your injuries and it seemed as if you found your stroke in recent games.
Jared, I’ll miss your TikTok’s here in Philly. I wish we could’ve hung out, maybe grabbed a bite to eat. You were one of the most personable and seemingly human NBA stars. Tyrese Maxey and Kyle Lowry being sad over your trade makes me sad.
You were always yourself. You’ll remain yourself. You scored 8 points in 75 seconds against the Phoenix Suns the other night. You fit in so well with OKC. I hate it. It breaks my heart watching you do so well with your new team and smiling so much with them.
I’ll miss your painted nails, your authenticity, did I mention your TikToks? That’s a lie, I’m not on TikTok but I’ve seen a few and you’re an amazing dancer. Your moves on the court resemble the way you move your hips in those TikTok’s of yours.
It should’ve been Quentin Grimes.
What were your favorite restaurants in Philly? Where did you like to hang out? Where did you like to go bowling? North or South Bowl, or were you a Lucky Strike guy? Do you even like to bowl? I know you’re a star, but did you have a dive bar here? You were the best friend I never had. My real friends might not like hearing that, but I’ve never felt such an unrequited and parasocial relationship towards an NBA player until you were drafted by the 76ers. Of course I followed you at Duke and rooted for you and defended you from those hateful people.
When you were drafted by the 76ers, that was such an amazing moment. I felt so much joy and I was proud of you, excited for you to not only join the team but be embraced by the city of Philadelphia. I was looking forward to one day meeting you and us becoming a dynamic duo. Can you come back?
Why couldn’t we have experienced more years of you in Philly. Why couldn’t we make things work. I watched you shoot the lights out against Charlotte just two weeks ago. You were working hard.
I see you’re participating in the celebrity 3-point shooting competition. I wish you the best of luck man.
You’re an amazing player, person and friend, considering how the whole team seems to be sad about your trade. Thank you for this tribute. We will miss you dearly in this city. You are a light, a beacon of hope. I hope you enjoy all-star weekend in Los Angeles. Don’t party too hard. We love you and we will miss you and will root for you here in Philadelphia. If there was a Time Machine, I’d go back and prevent this from happening. You will be missed.
I feel as if there’s so much more I can say or to be said, but it’s been so hard this past week, I miss you.
Love,
Kevin Penn
P.S. Can you send like $5,678 to my Cash App or PayPal account? I’m in some deep trouble with some bad guys that I’m sure you can help me out with. Love you, Jared McCain.
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