Philly Plain Dealer

Somehow, in the year 2025, people are still crying about the Philadelphia Eagles’ Tush Push, as if a play that nets a one-yard gain is somehow killing the sport. Never mind the billion-dollar gambling partnerships (get Kevin Hart off my television), games on 35 streaming platforms, or the Thursday night football matchups that resemble medieval torture sessions. No, apparently the gridiron apocalypse arrives via Jalen Hurts getting shoved forward between 3 and 8 feet.

Now, because sports discourse must always get dumber, the talk of the town is that the refs somehow favor the Eagles. Why? Well, when you slow down the Tush Push and analyze it as if it were the Zapruder film, sometimes a lineman moves a half a millisecond too soon, and the refs aren’t flagging them for a false start. I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the refs are not throwing flags on Tush Push false starts because they are imperceptible to the human eye. So please, stop showing me ultra-slow-mo video breakdowns as if it’s extremely obvious that a player is jumping the snap. No one can see that in real time. They just can’t. I don’t see you clowns slowing down other plays, but let me tell you: you will notice some early movement on every snap if you watch it in super slow-mo. 

Don’t tell me the play should be banned because it can’t be officiated properly, either. It’s nonsense. Last Sunday the Rams kicker was booting impossible knuckle balls on kickoffs, should that be banned? And have you seen the way pass interference is officiated in this league? Refs may as well flip a coin on every pass breakup. No one knows where the line is drawn on pass interference, and the league has waffled on the definition of a catch for two decades.

If you watched the Rams game on Sunday, there was blatant offensive pass interference by Davante Adams on that long touchdown in the second quarter. What’s more egregious? A play that nets ONE YARD, or an offensive pass interference that nets 40 yards and a touchdown? Using the NFL-fan-at-large’s logic, we should ban the forward pass, right? Since it can’t be officiated properly? Do you see how stupid that sounds?

The bigger point remains: every team can run it. Every other team is just bad at it, probably because they don’t practice it, or maybe because they don’t have Lane Johnson and Jordan Mailata on their O-line. That isn’t my problem. Go sign some 6’8” kiwi and teach him how to push some tush. What’s that? You can’t find a titanic Samoan rugby player who squats 800 pounds and sings Christmas songs to thrust your quarterback forward? Well maybe you should’ve drafted Mailata in 2018. He wasn’t taken until the seventh round, after all. Every team got several looks at that mammoth of a human and said “nah, we’re good.” 

My least favorite criticism of the Tush Push is the assertion that it “isn’t a football play.” Firstly, that’s a nonsensical platitude with no corporeal basis. Secondly, it IS a football play. It’s the quintessential football play, actually. Go watch highlights from an early 1920’s football game. Everyone’s out of shape, everyone’s wearing ridiculous leather helmets, and everyone’s running what amounts to an early Tush Push. Sure, they may not be throwing the ball past the line of scrimmage, but guess what? This is what football was supposed to be. After all, football is essentially Rugby’s obnoxious American cousin. The DNA is still there, if you pay attention. The Tush Push is pure, atavistic football, unadulterated by any forward pass. It is football. 

So yeah, I’m sick of hearing about it, you’re sick of hearing about it, and Dean Blandino looks ready to fake his own death just to avoid another segment about it. We need Travis Kelce to stop sucking so that they can go back to talking about him. The NFL will probably ban the tush push next offseason, which is a shame. They don’t call it the No Fun League for nothing. At least we got our Super Bowl out of it, and it looks like we may get another. 

Until then? The Eagles should run it as much as humanly possible. And if you don’t like it, stop it. And if you can’t stop it, appreciate it. But whatever you do, please shut the fuck up about it.